Sunday, December 12, 2010

God works in mysterious ways! Hallelujah!

I am really amazed how thing work out without knowing. God really knows how to work things out. This doesn't always happen but it happens when it is need or when it is really necessary. You don't even need to ask but things will happen for the best.

Things that happen in the 48 hours that really made me glad and amazed:

1. I was able to cook a tuna spaghetti. While eating it, I realized my taste buds have adjusted to the Indian sense of taste. I know I can reverse it to the normal sense of taste, hopefully.

2. I was able to hang out with Kuya Ben. He knows that also meant he needed to help me out with my errands.

3. I was able to eat at McDonalds. I was able to eat fries and have my favorite caramel frappe, if I was in the Philippines I would be too cheap to buy a frappe.

4. Kuya Ben had a funny moment. He went to the throne... in the ladies throne at McDonalds!haha

5. I was able to send money to the Philippines. I was going to pay the transaction charge by my credit card but they wanted cash. Good thing Kuya Ben was there.

6. AutoZone has the Brake Caliper Bracket for my 2002 Honda Civic! Hallelujah! It was $40 compared to $200 for buying the whole set.

7. I was able to eat at this Capri Pizza Place at Severna Park. I gave a tip of $2. I am really cheap so that was too big for me.haha

8. I was able to get my stuff from the other house. Finally! I never thought my car will get filled in but it was! My new problem is that I have to get rid of some stuff!

9. I was suppose to help Tita Belen move some stuff from her old store to her new store. I was worried if I can ask to take some few hours out of work because that will be a challenge. I don't know if my boss will let me out.

Guess what happened? Early this morning, I saw Tito Nap called. I was like.. ohh ooh! When I called him, he said the moving thing was moved to next weekend because there will be a snow storm tonight. Talk about miracle and working things out. That saved me free from a dilemma!

God really works in mysterious ways! Hallelujah!

Yey! I need to take a nap and prepare for my interview tomorrow! :)

Monday, December 6, 2010

How stronger do we need to be?

I have finished of Joan of Arcadia Second Season. I have mixed emotions after finishing it. The second season is the last season of the show. I wish they continued it but I hope that they didn't. Joan of Arcadia is my favorite.

Why do I think the show should continue? ( It has been defunct for 5 years)

  1. It was the only show that I never got tired of sleepy doing a dvd marathon of. It was not just because it was only 2 seasons but because the show is really great.
  2. The show has the best conversations.
  3. The show doesn't show any biases to any religion.
  4. The show is very easy to relate to.
  5. The show has a lot of wisdom.

Why it shouldn't continue?

  1. The show is becoming extreme fantasy. There is a possibility that there will be a war in the world of good vs. evil and joan will save the world.
  2. CBS just cares about the ratings does compromising the content of the show.
Those are all that I can think of.

So what are the thing thoughts have intrigued me regarding the show?

1. God. Who is God? Can he really be defined or identified?

My though: He is around. He is. We just need to have faith.

2. Freewill

God gave us freewill to live our lives but under his guidance. He gave us freedom to live ourlives.

3. Punishment

God does not punish. He gave us freewill but also means that we need to be responsible in living it. What happens to us are because of the course of actions and of connections that linked us to each other.

4. Strength

How strong do we need to be? What is the barometer for strength?

We know we are stronger than before when we able to overcome an adversity and surpass greater challenges today than yesterday.

5. Relationships

Relationship are not just within the family. We are in this together. Everything we do creates a ripple effect to everyone connected to us.

There are a lot more. I will try to remember them. But for now, all the wisdom are engraved in my soul. I hope I do embody them.


On a side note, I called my aunt because I was not able to call her the last few days. She left me a voice mail last week that she had a dream. I talked to her the night before I was going to quit the job but the night of the day or the day after I didn't answer her call.

She had a dream wherein my mom and her were playing some cards. Then our the family helper Auntie Conching, asked my mom why does she have a lot of stuff in bag. My mom said that she was moving. This dream was interpreted by my aunt about me leaving my job. She is saying and interpreting that my mom is worried about me quitting my job without having a job to go to. Also, my aunt kept on reminding me that I should be careful and be more careful.

I wonder if I did pick up the phone that night and the next day to answer her call, will I change my mind about quitting? Mom knew that I did not like this job though. But I do admit that I am a little worried about not having a work to go to after I leave here. But I know God will help me. I am kind of sure that if I even though I picked up the phone, I will still continue about quitting.


HR of Gaylord called me for a Job interview. They scheduled me for Wednesday at 10 AM. I couldn't do it so I rescheduled. Hopefully, I get a better schedule. I really hope I do get this job.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Happy 1st Anniversary!

I can't believe it has been a year since I arrived in the States. Happy 1st Anniversary!

Saturday, December 4, 2010

While teaching Kuya Ben at Barnes and Noble, my mind just went off then it turned on with the ideas of graduate school. Being there, surrounded by all the books, is giving me this unconscious nudge of going back to school. And then, I started looking at the walls. The wall had a painting of Hemingway and some other people I don't know. Then, it dawned on me that there are still a lot of things to know which made me question my plans and encouraged my thoughts of pursuing graduate school.

As we were about to leave, I saw a magazine about 2011's best graduate schools in America. It was $9.95, I couldn't afford it. I was being too cheap thinking that I can just Google it. I took a peek of the magazine. There was Yale, Harvard, Standford, NYU, University of Pennsylvania and more. Most of which are my dream schools. Then, I realized I am in America. I can make things happen. I can enroll to my dream school. I can try and I will, after I move out.

The 20th. I will leave my job and house which I have been 'home' for a year. The 19th. The official day that I quit that job. I started packing and organizing stuff today and I have realized that I have accumulated a lot of stuff this year. Stuff that pertains to material things, memories, and lessons. Regarding material wealth, I have some of which I need to sell. I am starting to worry about how I will move my stuff.

To be honest, I am both overwhelmed and scared about finally moving out/on. Moving on after a year of being out of track. I am not regretting this year nor my job. This job challenge my goals and how I will accomplish them. This year taught me a lot and also gave me a lot.

I am overwhelmed by the fact that 'this is it'. I am finally moving. I going to be independent. My official freedom in the Land of Dreams. Finally, I am declaring independence. This kind of independence is different from the one I experienced from college. Before, I have mom to support me. Now, I only have myself. If the worst comes, I can only help myself. There is no mom to call. I am officially standing on my two feet having a journey in the unknown. I have to conquer my dreams but I also need to survive. Independence is double edged because it can be liberating but also it can be worrisome. The independence that I am looking forward to two weeks from now is giving me some worries. I am worried about not finding job - a source of income. I am still waiting for some interviews. I have my sideline on ebay/amazon/craigslist. But those are not enough. The financial aspect is always an issue with me. Basically, the what if regarding my big move is pessimism about not making 'it'.

But who can say if 'I can make it or not'? I don't have control of everything but I know that I can do something. I will try my very best. I have to believe that I can. I CAN! God help me.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

I did it!

Finally, I said it. I had some heart pumping moments. I am a little scared. But I have to say it.

I was waiting for a sign subconsciously. I was reading some articles on for some how to be rich tips.

Here is an advice that really encouraged me:

Don't Sell Yourself Short
Some individuals are extremely loyal to their employers and will stay with them for years without seeing their incomes take a jump. This can be a mistake, as increasing your income is an excellent way to boost your rate of saving.

Always keep your eye out for other opportunities and try not to sell yourself short. Work hard and find an employer who will compensate you for your work ethic, skills and experience


I finally resigned. I did some reading on how to resign but pretty much it my own style that did it.

I just told Dr. Tanveer the best way that I can. Telling him my last day and all and my plans after.

With him, I know it will be cool but with the rest of the family, there will be some explanations needed.

I was in tears with Ms. Tasleem. She was the last person I didn't disappoint. But we were to talk about it well. At first, she said for me to think about it but then she let me go and told me to do what I want to do for my future.

To a new start... to my dreams... I will conquer the world!


Like what Martin Luther King said: "Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, I'm free at last."

Monday, November 29, 2010

I want to be rich!

Tomorrow is the day that I will tell Dr. Tanveer that I am quitting on the 19th of December. I am really preparing myself. I talked to Madel about it and she said something that made sense. I should explain why I want to quit as honest as possible. Also, she added that is not the first time that I have to quit a job.

Around 8 PM, Mooj just vomited. She isn't feeling well. Is this a sign that I shouldn't quit yet? I have to pray over it. For now, I hope she gets better.

As I was watching The Buried Life, the more I want to be rich. Like what Duncan did, I want to invest in stocks. I just want to be rich. I want to have million dollars. More so, I just want to be stable. How will I do it? I am not sure. But I have to start somewhere. That somewhere starts with me moving on with this job.

Money is the root of all evil.

Not really...

To quote God in Joan of Arcadia: "The LOVE of money is the root of all evil."

I'm hungry. I want some kisses with almonds.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

joan of arcadia!

I was doing a marathon of my favorite show - Joan of Arcadia. I have watched 8 episodes straight which are 40+ minutes each. None of which has made me sleepy yet. I miss this show. Before, it was a dream of mine to buy the whole dvd set or better yet just finish watching the whole run of it. Coming to the United States put into reality watching shows that I miss in the Philippines. Coming into the United States made watch movies or series for free. Thank you to the American Public Library System for having almost everything - books, audio cds, dvds of movies, series and documentaries and using them for free. Now, I know that taxpayers money are being put into use. I don't need to buy or rent anything anymore just to watch or listen to something. One of my 'dreams' fulfilled. One material wealth or luxury accomplished.

To quote a lesson from one of the episodes (Friday Night):

Have you heard about the man, boxes and bridge riddle?

A man wants to cross a bridge. He has 3 boxes which is 50 pounds each. The bridge can only carry 200 pounds. The man weighs 190 pounds. How will he be able to cross it (once only)?

Answer: He juggles!

Explanation: The bridge is life. We carry more than what we take. So how do we deal with them? We juggle.


On another note, I applied for a taste tester for McCormick. I have to wait a few weeks if I do get qualified. If I do, I get to earn a few bucks, not bad.

I am a little stressing out on what to give the Padder family for Christmas. With a budget, I tried to source out what to buy them. I ended up with Papemelroti. I was planning on getting some wire hang with hooks. So far, the prices are good. Hopefully, the shipping wouldn't kill me with the prices and will stick with my budget.

Also, I know and have decided to quit. But this day, is trying to give me some second thoughts. Funny, when you want something to end, the time before you want to end it seems a little appreciative or nice. I had that. I had some compliments over the weekend and today especially when Dr. Tanveer blurted it out. I wasn't really that flattered. I sort of feel that he knows something about me quitting.

Dr. Gulshan also gave me a flu shot which will also combat H1N1. Finally!

I know I will quit, I will just have to figure out the best reasons....

I just don't want to seem that I don't have a sense of gratitude.

I still have less than 48 hours to inform them...

Holy Spirit... please guide me...


Friday, November 26, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!

This is how I envisioned Thanksgiving:

People sitting around the table. The turkey and other great food served. They start with some prayers and sharing what they are thankful for this year. Then, the eating and socialization starts.

I didn't experience that this Thanksgiving. I am at work; celebrating Thanksgiving with the person I am taking care of and her family as well. When we were complete, everyone just started eating not caring about grace or really celebrating the nature of Thanksgiving. They are Muslims and thanksgiving is one of the American holidays that they celebrate that doesn't discriminate by religion.

So what I am thankful for this year?

Dear God,

This year isn't the happiest year of my life. I lost mama this year. But doesn't mean that there are things that I am not thankful for. I know you took her for a reason and I am clinging onto that. But I do miss her.

But there are still things that I am thankful for.

Thank you for making me survive this year.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to come to America.

Thank you for giving me a job. ( Not the job that I want to brag about ). Thank you for making this job a way to save my father's life.

Thank you for being able to give the material wealth that I accumulated this week.

Thank you for making me know what family is.

Thank you for taking care of my brother and father in the Philippines

Thank you for giving me Christopher. Thank you for bringing in my life. Thank you that you gave me a man that will love and support me.

Thank you for making my article be published in the Philippine Daily Inquirer.

Thank you for taking care of me. Thank you for making me feel that I am not alone.

Thank you for making me hopeful. Thank for keeping my zest for life. Thank you for my future.

Thank you!

Please send my love to mama and lola.

To more years,



Thursday, November 25, 2010

Another holiday....

I am starting to feel the holidays. Growing up in the Philippines, I am just aware that Holidays meant Christmas season. But here in the States, Holidays is not just a season to be with family but such a shopping and gift giving craze.

Tomorrow will be Black Friday, the day people spend as much as they can mostly by credit because the prices are tremendously brought down. My brother urged me to at least check out some stuff that I can resell. I am also thinking of buying some stuff to give to my family and friends in the Philippines. I may have the money to buy some at this point I can't afford it. With my plans of quitting my job on the 19th of December, I am trying to save as much money as I can to make me survive the holidays without a possible employment.

It is thanksgiving. A day to celebrate what we are thankful for this year. So what are my plans for today? Nothing special for I am at work. For me, this day is no different like the other non-working holiday. I am always at work during holidays. My employers are taking advantage that.

There is an option for me to go LSCC (my cousin's church). But I cannot fathom to come back there. I would rather be at work and not mind having some fake socialization.

Holidays are commercialized,I thought. With all these spending.... Americans are just putting themselves more in debt. But with a little part of me being materialistic, I would have bought stuff myself if I had the money to spare.

But with all the commercialism, this holiday season also makes me a little sad because I don't have immediate family to spend it with. Yes, I have my cousins and friends to maybe spend it with. But they are people I just met here. Not really those people who knew me way back whom I can really say cheers to.

Right now, I hope I can take a nap. I am really tired.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Pilipinas kong mahal at minamahal!


Coming home

By Maria Helena S. Garcia
Philippine Daily Inquirer
First Posted 02:23:00 11/20/2010

Filed Under: mobile phones, Social networking, Education, Youth, Schools

NOWADAYS, MOST people do two things upon waking up: check their mobile phones for text messages and missed calls, and open their laptops to check their e-mail and Facebook. (I forgot, you can do Facebook on mobile phones nowadays.) I am one of those people. More than that, I sleep with my mobile phone and laptop literally beside me.

So I checked my phone; I have a cheesy message from my boyfriend. After replying, I move on to check my laptop. As I was browsing through my Facebook “newsfeeds,” a video post from a colleague caught my interest. The video was titled “Honor and Excellence (Prof. Monsod’s last lecture to her class).” I thought to myself: Is this something like Randy Pausch’s “The Last Lecture”? Is Professor Solita Monsod retiring or dying?

But reading through the caption, I felt relieved that it was just her last lecture for the semester coming to a close shortly, and it was about leadership, life, career and nationalism. Her greatest emphasis was on the University of the Philippines’ motto: Honor and Excellence. This is what every UP student should imbibe and live by beyond the university.

I remember having a conversation in high school with a suitor, 12 years my senior, about going abroad. He said everyone would seize the chance to go abroad when the opportunity presented itself. At 15 and being nationalistic, I exclaimed that I would not leave my country like what many people were doing. I would choose to stay even if such opportunity presented itself.

Until now, I fully believe that the government should applaud not those who have left but those who have chosen to stay.

Of all the things that Professor Monsod said in that lecture, what struck me most was her statement about helping the country. She said that if we are going to help the Philippines, we need to be in the Philippines. Her words connected with me in several ways. First, I was once a UP student. Second, I graduated from UP. Third, I am a leader and have served as a leader. Finally, I am abroad. In the United States, living the American Dream.

Coming to America changed all my plans in a snap. Everything seems easier to accomplish. But where I am really now in terms of my career? I am on the opposite side of my field. I graduated with a Business Economics degree but I am working as a caregiver, not really something I dreamed of, but something I had to do to survive.

The last nine months I have lived here in America have been a life of endless trials, accomplishments and learnings. My mother was recovering from an amputated toe due to diabetes when my father and I left for the United Sates. She had chosen to stay in the Philippines because my brother was “overaged” by the standards of US immigration policies. Two weeks after my father and I arrived, I started working as a caregiver. I am not ashamed of my job, but I am not so proud of it either. My being a caregiver is supposed to be temporary until I find a job that is more in line with my academic training in UP. But the job market is tight. I had a fair number of interviews for office jobs, but into none of these was I accepted.

A few months later, my father had a quintuple heart bypass surgery due to heart attack. Two months into his recovery, my mother died due to aneurysm. I flew back to the Philippines for three weeks to lay her to rest. Two months after her death, my father decided to return to the Philippines. The loneliness was just too much for him.

I became the breadwinner of the family. Being the youngest and being a woman, I had expected to be taken care of, instead I had to take responsibility for everything. I had no choice, I had to keep the family from going through more difficulties. I couldn’t quit my job with all the responsibilities suddenly in my hands. Quitting was no longer an option. I had to hold on a little longer until I shall have saved more than enough.

The United States meant having better opportunities, which also meant acquiring more wealth. America offers countless opportunities and I am taking advantage of them. America has shown me how easy it is to acquire material wealth through hard work, and by credit or cash. Two weeks into my job, I was able to buy a high-end laptop. Three months of pay checks was enough to cover all expenses entailed by my sudden flight to the Philippines. With salaries for two months, I was able to buy a used car in good condition. These are material possessions that I can’t imagine acquiring in less than a year had I stayed in the Philippines.

Still, watching Professor Monsod deliver words of wisdom in the video reminded me of my student life in UP and what it is to be a Filipino. She reminded me of my goals and unfinished responsibilities to myself, my mother, God, my alma mater and the Philippines, all of which I vow to fulfill.

So …what’s on my mind?

My beloved University of the Philippines and the Philippines as well, did I betray you by leaving and going abroad? No, I did not and I will not. I will be back! Pilipinas kong mahal at minamahal.

Maria Helena S. Garcia, 21, plans in 2011 to quit her job and get a new one and probably start graduate school. Also, she plans to start saving up to pay her “full cost” at the University of the Philippines, with interest.


As how I imagined, Ivan, my friend, is the first one to inform me if ever my article got posted. Thanks to Facebook, he was able to inform. As I knew it, I called my brother to purchase some copies.

What do I want to do before I die? I want to cross out all the stuff on my bucket list. :) One down, thanks to youngblood.... a lot more things to go... hello world! :)

Writing isn't my best skill but after my outlet of thoughts got published; I felt that I can write. Best writing is done when you write from the heart. I did and it got published.

Thank you Youngblood for making me believe more to myself.

I am really happy. This feeling of accomplishment is a refresher for me to accomplish my goals.

Few minutes ago, I got a message on Facebook from a person whom I never met. He wrote to thank me for my article because it touched him. He said that my article reflects a lot of Filipinos abroad. I never thought that I would be of such impact to a person. That feeling is priceless. Another thing crossed out of my list, make an impact to a person. As I look in his profile, he is also a Filipino abroad. I wondered how he found me...Facebook never fails to amaze me.

I hope I made the world a better place... or at least I think I am getting closer.

I love you Mama.
I miss you Kuya.
I hope you see you soon Papa.

Pilipinas.. Ako ay magbabalik! :)

Friday, October 15, 2010

Hello to my new baby!

I have a new baby! yey! Hello Honda-rattattat....:)

Finally, I have my newly bought used 2002 Honda Civic!

Next to be accomplished.. driver's license, new job, and apartment.

Thank you Lord!

Monday, August 23, 2010

What ifs? (My sincerest sympathy and condolences to the people affected by the August 23, 2010 hostage in Manila, Philippines)

I am so saddened by what happened to the Philippines yesterday. Lives have been wasted just because of some unmagnified case of a mere man asking for a fair judgment or re-opening of his case. Frustration can really bring out the worst in people. A lot of issues have triggered for this man to commit a hostage and kill people that I hope he didn't really intend to kill. I feel sorry for the Hong Kong/Chinese Nationals who died and their family who will live with this tragedy. It is be very unfair for all these tourists to experience such tragedy when all they wanted was to have a vacation. I feel remorse for what could have been done that as such this tragedy wouldn't have happened.

I feel a sense of pity being a Filipino being abroad. I grew up being aware of the hardships and issues that thrives in the Philippines. I feel guilty that somehow that I left the country to have a better life. I felt that somehow my promise to make Philippines a better nation is somewhat all been forgotten. I love the Philippines, there is no question to that. I have always been hopeful but somehow sometimes you get tired of trying and hoping. And the worst of it all is that sometimes you just feel hopeless. I don't want to be considered as a Filipino who escaped her country.

At one point in my life, a man who was pursuing me asked me if I would ever leave the Philippines. With high nose, I said that I wouldn't. I will serve by country until my last breath. He said I will retract what I said. At that point, I thought he was wrong but now I am reconsidering that I guess he would have been right after all. I was doing public service until I graduated college serving the students and drafting some policies and programs in my economics class on how to improve the Philippines. I saw what hard life really is. I have examined how imperfect and corrupted my country has been. I was aware of that and was energetic to make a change. The Philippines has a chance. We can still redeem our country. I am ever hopeful. But somehow when the opportunity came for us to migrate, everything changed even my perspective. I suddenly saw the bad things about the Philippines - corruption, inefficient and ineffective system, crab mentality, pollution, and colonial mentality. Suddenly, the nationalistic person in me just died or more or less diminished.

There are lessons to be learned from this tragedy. This is not the first time that one person was ignored of his right to finalization or fair trial. This wasn't the first time lives got wasted because of some ineffective SOP. This wasn't the first time that lives are wasted. I hope this is the last. I am having my high hopes up.

One mistake can create a big impact. This man just wanted a fair trial or at least his open be re-opened. I am not being biased and saying that what he did was right. He was wrong on involving those tourists with his issues and killing some of them. He still killed people. He still endangered lives of people. He did wrong. But I want to emphasize is what happened before that. What could have been done to prevent that tragedy – the what ifs. He just wanted to be heard. How can he be heard when the people who should hear him out has closed their ears already after just one suspected mistake of his and judged him without even considering the accomplishments and services he have given the Philippine National Police (PNP). Sometimes life can really be unfair. I feel pity. He just wanted answers. He was asking for answers. But he never got them. When he got the answers, which he has been waiting for months, form the Office of the Ombudsman regarding his motion, it was just too late. It can be surprising how small unrecognized frustrations can lead to tragic harmful effects.

The world has seen what happened. Most of the people criticize how the PNP and SWAT handled the situation. They say that their SOP was a failure. PNP and SWAT could have saved more lives if they really knew what they were doing. The tragedy is over but the impact lives not just from to the people who died and to their the family but also of the survivors, the Philippine and Chinese Nations, people who was aware of the situation, and the family of the hostage taker, P/INSP Rolando Mendoza.

I hope justice will be served to everyone. This means not only to the people who died including P/INSP Rolando Mendoza but also to the survivors. I hope those who are responsible why this occurred shall be scrutinized. I admire Pres. Aquino's statement, though given late, that from this tragedy lessons are learned and improvements should be made in the system especially in the Philippine National Police (regarding equipments and training). Added is that he ordered that P/INSP Mendoza's case will be reopened to be studied. Philippine Government should learn from this and really do something about it. Changes can take a long time but as long as there is something done, the wait will be worth the while. I just hope that isn't just any tragedy that will fade as the days go by. This shouldn't be forgotten. Though different scenario, I hope this will not be like the stories of Tara Santilices or Alexis Tioseco and Nika Bohnic whose lives were lost for nonsense reasons and their cases were still unresolved. I am sure that I won't forget this.

I am a Filipino and will always be a Filipino. I will never give up on the Philippines. Someday somehow I will do more that what I did before for my country. I have never forsaken you my beloved Philippines. I vow to return to you my motherland. I shall improve myself and bring the best in me when I return.

A lot of what ifs fill my mind. But the reality is lives were lost. And I hope lessons will be learned. Correct that, lessons should be learned, changes should be made, and improvements should be imposed. But with all of these, I pray for everyone who is going through pain and misery with this tragedy. I hope they overcome this. Believe me when I say that is hard to say to a person who has just a love one. My sincerest condolences to the families who lost their loved ones from this tragedy.

For more information about the August 23, 2010 hostage in Manila Philippines, see:

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

whatever is lost maybe found.

I was trying to look for my ever reliable jogging(yoga) pants. I know I did leave it in this house before I met up with Cj and moved into another house (Dr. Gulshan). I was making the not having the jogging pants an excuse for not working out. But accidentally as I was looking for a different stuff in the closet, It just popped out. yahoo! My exercising clothes are complete again.

As Cj and I was about to end our conversation on skype for the night, I blurted out something that sparked a little argument. It was about me asking him to call or text me in the morning. But instead of the question appearing as simple as that. I asked it him like this: "Eclipson does it, why don't you?" It would have been better if I asked it without having to use Eclipson to make him jealous or to get something out of him. I have learned my lesson. We did settle everything. I just don't want to get bored with us. Thank you Cj, I love you.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Cj: You are now officially an American!

I am the type of person who gets a little frustrated with things that doesn't look presentable especially when I am trying to please. I wanted to earn some extra cash. I have a printer that I bought for $20 when Cj and I went to a yard sale. The market selling price for it is around $200. I just want to earn a minimum of $150 for it then I am happy.

We just moved to the other Padder's house. The printer that I was selling is in this house. Finally, I was able to take pictures of the printer that I was selling. Because of the added information about the printer, I wanted to edit my listing on ebay. I thought that putting a new description and pictures will overlap the old but instead the new description became a continuation. The advertisement became a disaster which is very lengthy and unappealing. Being an OC, I panicked a little bit. Cj was online comforting me and bidding a little bit for my printer. He made things easier for me to bear. Because I cannot edit my old listing anymore the way I want it, I asked for some online assistance from ebay. I was queued for around 30 minutes the first time and 50 minutes the second time, good thing Cj was there to make time run fast.

So I was suggested to end the bid and star a new. Both which I did, I improved my listing and shortened by bidding period.Yes, the problem got solved. I did have my peace of mind. I hope I get to get a profit of at $150. I wish! :) Having some stress can give some adrenaline rush which I sometimes enjoy.

I got my salary for today. Finally!!! I get to pay off what I owe and have some money saved! Because I got my salary, I contacted Kuya Ben to pay my debt to him. At the same time, he brought my mails. He brought a lot of mail most of which made me suprised and happy. I got 10 mails from State of Maryland Department of Budget and Management regarding some applications that I applied for in the last few weeks. I never it went it through but it did. Because most of the replies tell me that I am qualified, I hope I will be interviewed and will be accepted for a job. Aside from those, I got my credit card and library card. When I told this to Cj that I finally have a credit card, he blurted out: "You are officially an American!"

Please bid on my Canon Pixma iP1500 Photo Printer. :)

Monday, August 9, 2010

the power nap did it!

I was deleting some pages on my Facebook profile because I have been getting a lot of friend request from unknown and creepy people. As I was looking at my pages, I saw the page entitle "In Memorian: Alexis Tioseco and Nika Bohinc.

I had to google the feature of the love story of Alex and Nika on the documentary show Storyline and I found Alexis and Nika: A love story. The article which the love story was derived from the column of Alexis on Rogue Magazine which was entitled The Letter I Would Love To Read To You In Person.

As I watch the videos and read articles linked to their love story, I was starting to check on my relationship at the same time asking myself if I have the same passion to what I want to do as what they have. Questions that makes me wonder if what I am doing right now are getting me closer to what I do or pushing me away.

I slept around 4 am. Before I went to sleep I had a little window shopping online style. I really wanted to buy some stuff but I realized it is to impractical at the moment.

So I went to sleep... and I dozed off...

I woke up at around 8 AM because Dr. Gulshan was preparing her breakfast. She gave me $40 bucks for doing her nails yesterday. She was really nice.

I was getting cranky as Mooj (the woman I am taking care of) is getting confused and anxious. A big factor to my irritability is the fact that I didn't have much sleep. But a power nap of an hour solved everything.

We moved back to Dr. Feroz house. On our way, I had an interesting conversation with Ms. Tasleem regarding Dr. Gulshan. She was a martyr. She proved that marriage should work. She and her husband had a time in their life that they were living in the same house but aren't talking. That is harsh. That is why sometimes I cannot understand fix marriage and stuff. They were Muslims. She stayed they worked it somehow. Her husband as most people say is rude and hard to deal with. But she really did make it work for the sake of the family.

Oh well, the more I am seeing that it is hard to find a life partner. But if you found someone worth and rightfully for you then I believe the relationship will work. You should just find someone who values the relationship and doesn't overpower you in the relationship.

I am sleepy, good night.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

getting matched while doing manicure

I believe are things are getting better in my life. I am having peace. Things will not be easy because I have a lot more to accomplish. But at this time, I am reminding myself of what I have and what I want to accomplish.

Starting out is very hard for me because I am starting out from nothing. Literally, nothing. I didn't have money out of college and here I am saving some for myself and my family. I was able to bury my mom without debt and provide the needs for my brother and father. And even buy my dad's medicine. Little financial accomplishments can be a struggle but very rewarding knowing that every peso or dollar spent is utilized well.

On this lazy sunday, I was giving Dr. Gulshan a manicure and pedicure as she requested. She liked how I did my nails and asked if I can give her a manicure and pedicure. I didn't hesitate. She has always been nice to me all the time, no questions asked.

I was doing nails as a hobby. I believe I do great manicure and pedicure. It was a skill I have learned as I practiced with my own nails and so as my mom's. I have learned doing nails because I don't want my nails 'murdered' by manicurist. And also to save some money. Back in college being so cheap and keen on my vanity, I prefer doing my nails by myself.

So as I was doing Dr. Gulshan's nails, She mentioned Emerson Chang. Emerson Chang is the guy that the Padders have been trying to match me with. Emerson Chang is from Laurel, Maryland. He is a Physician Assistant at Padder Health Services. They were trying to match me with him because: 1) he is Asian like me, 2) he is Christian (not sure if Catholic), 3) he is nice (like me as they say) 4) he is already known by the family, and 5) he is smart and might be a good match to me.

I was surprised when Dr. Gulshan asked me the permission to build me up to him. I guess they are being serious about hooking me up with him. I didn't really respond to what she said. I did change the topic a little bit by asking if there were admitted lesbians/gays in Islam. I don't know if she got the answer she was hoping for.

I talked to Cj about it. Of course, he didn't approve of anything in relation to any other man dating me. He asked me if I entertained the idea, I said no. And to be honest, Chang is not my type. He might be smart, nice and all; I might seem biased but I don't really see myself dating him. I might consider the idea of being friends with him but not more than it. I know that love is still a floating term for Cj and I but I care more than enough for him as he is to me to even consider dating someone new.

I am Catholic! :)

I went to St. Louis Catholic Church on Clarksville Pike, Clarksville Maryland yesterday for the anticipated mass at 5:30 PM. It was about 5 minutes by drive from Dr. Gulshan's House.

Before I went to church, Cj and I are talking about confession. I have always wanted to do it. There are a lot of things that have been stopping me. There are just excuses or demons I didn't want to overcome. But I have decided to go through with the confession even though I was a little scared and ashamed. Doing confession isn't just for Cj or to fix my relationship with God but to have have peace with myself and to God. So I googled how to do the confession and found out about it in the Catechism of Pope Pius X. From the Catechism, there is a written step by step to how to do confession. And so I took down the notes and brought it with me to church.

Because I wasn't sure how the confession will happen. I had to phone in the church on what time is confession. I was suggested that before the 4 o'clock mass there was will be confession. At that moment, the 4 o'clock mass was too late for me. So i just took the risk for the 5:30 mass and will just go there early as I can.

St. Louis Catholic Church is so pretty . It is a parish church so it is bigger than the St. Paul Chapel that Cj and I went to when he was here.

I did confession even though I don't know how. I remember that the last time I did it is when I had my first communion.

I confessed what I had to confess in one plain sentence. The Father blessed me and I had to do 3 Our Fathers for it. Even though I was a little teary-eyed after, it was a success and I never felt better.

There was a little adjustment for me regarding the songs and prayers. The songs were really different and the prayers are a little longer than those I had grown up to know.

Father's sermon really made me teary-eyed. It felt like Father was talking to me and checking up on me. It felt that he was reaching out for me. I have believed that I have surrendered myself to God and that he will take care of me. But that thinking isn't enough. Here is how I understood yesterday's sermon:

What is our faith? What do you believe in? Faith is happens when you are expecting a new thing either in career, job or whatever. But how much faith are you giving in this expectation? When you faith have in these expectations and when you didn't accomplish them; your faith will crumble. Do you have faith in God? Do you trust God? From the scripture that happened to Abraham, God proved his worthiness. He proved that he can be trusted. That faith with him will never ever make someone miserable and crumble in their knees. And so as goes to having faith in God, with Him, there is more absolute value because he is everlasting. But when you have faith in what you want, expect that they can fail you. God will never fail you.
He has proved his trustworthiness.. so have faith in him and surrender yourself to him...

Have trust. I have to believe and remind myself that God is with me. I might be alone right now and having tremendous hardships, I know He is with me. He will never forsake me.

After listening to the sermon, I have realized that God has always watched over me. It seemed like he intended me to mass yesterday with the right message for me. Also, even though Mama is gone, God gave me someone who is taking well care of me now. Someone who is helping be closer to God. Someone who is better than I expected and wanted. He gave me Cj.

It felt so good being home. It has been a while since I felt this peace. I know things wouldn't be easy but I know that I will never be alone like what God promised.

After the mass, I talked to Cj about what happened. I told him that I somewhat forgot to mention in my confession about going to another church... but he said that wasn't a sin. I guess it wasn't after all.

Around 8 in the evening, Cj and I did skype. I guess the peace and glow showed in my face and aura after going to the mass.

I was alone when I went to church but I know God and Mama is in presence. I was teary-eyed. It has been a while since I went to a Catholic Church. I felt home again. I came out better than I was when I came in.

I am Catholic. :)

* I wasn't able to take pictures but I promise myself that next time I will. Cj and I will go to St. Louis Parish when he goes back here in Maryland to visit me again.

Friday, July 30, 2010

almost losing you

Cj got into an accident today. He got rushed to the hospital. He is ok now. But somehow I got really worried. He was talking to me when the accident happened. If he died, I couldn't help but blame myself. Lesson: Don't talk on the phone while driving.

He is thinking about a lot of things. I wish I was there to comfort him.. but I can't. The more I feel bad that I couldn't be physically present for my boyfriend.

This thing happened for a lot of reasons. One of the reasons is I realized I love CJ more than I thought. I don't want to lose you CJ. This is the first time I realized what love really means between two people.

I hope you live longer. I am here for you. You and I. Us.

I love you Christopher James Barnak Fulkerson.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

the skeletons in the closet are finally out

I'm not the easiest person to love
I'm often the one who lets things go unresolved

Yet you choose to be
on the side of me


I'm not too proud of some things
I've done in my life
The skeletons in my closet
Are too big for me to hide

Yet you choose to be
on the side of me


I'm not the easiest person to love
But you, you've opened your heart to show me what I'm worth


I remember when nobody cared
I remember when nobody cared
Nobody cared
But you

*On the side of me
by Corrine May


You have known my worst secret yet you chose to stay. You may not be my first but you still loved me despite of that. Hopefully until the end.. you and I are still an US. Finally, I can rightfully say.. I love you.

Thank you for accepting me for who I am and not loving me any less.

Sunday, July 25, 2010


july 23-25, 2010

Finally.. after months of waiting.. we have been together. we can finally shout to the world that yes we are a couple. Things will never be easy for us.. but we will work things out. I hope to see you soon. See you on my birthday.
I think I love you...haha.. I do love you. Thank you for a great weekend.

-krispy kreme
-melted reese cups
-yard sale
-catholic mass
- ellicott city historical place
-washington DC
-china king
-jc penney
-pizza hut

PS We did have a great bargain for the tv and printer at the yard sale.
I miss you already.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Lesson Learned regarding the-six-flags-trip-that-I-backed-out:

- Never say a promise you can't keep.

-A promise is still a promise. Never break a promise to kids.

- Be assertive.

-Learn to say no.

-Even your family has limitations for tolerance.

-Be reliable.

-Learn to say sorry and really mean it.

-Make up for your mistakes.

-Never gossip. Be careful who you share your secrets too.

*PS I am sorry Ate Christine, Marisa, Naomi and Kuya Ben for backing out the six flags trip. I have no excuse. All of these are my fault. I should learn from this incident.

Friday, July 9, 2010

The greatest gifts of a parent to a child are: preparing the child to be able to live his/her life, and actually letting the child to live his/her life.

July 08, 2010 23:25 PM

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

gelatin vs. gulaman

Gelatin is just a processed version of a structural protein called collagen that is found in many animals, including humans. Collagen actually makes up almost a third of all the protein in the human body.

The gelatin you eat in Jell-O comes from the collagen in cow or pig bones, hooves, and connective tissues.

Gulaman (gelatin) - or agar agar - is Asia's equivalent of jello. It is made of dehydrated and processed sea weed formed into bars - which when rehydrated and dissolved in hot water will then congeal to form gelatin. Usually colored red, but other colors are also available. A mainstay ingredient in halo halo and gulaman at sago. (


Gelatin, EEEEWWWWW!!! I never thought it was made from that. yuck! I am staying away from American Gelatin. Why don't they try the Filipino version of Gelatin?

Gulaman, I love you! I need to buy some of you from the Filipino Store or get my brother to package me some.

Monday, May 24, 2010

what break-up?

May 24, 2010

[10:17:36 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: are you there?
[10:19:02 AM] cj_fulkerson: yea
[10:19:15 AM] cj_fulkerson: I just sent you that message, but I'll ask you on IM
[10:19:16 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: im sorry
[10:19:20 AM] cj_fulkerson: So what you're saying is, that you put forth "I think I need to break-up with you. I am sorry." but it was to see if I was going to stop you or chase after you?
[10:19:27 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: no
[10:19:32 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: not like that
[10:19:41 AM] cj_fulkerson: then why did you send it?
[10:20:34 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: because i needed to let it out
[10:20:38 AM | Edited 10:20:49 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: i think i need to
[10:20:42 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: but i dont want to
[10:21:01 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: i wanted you to help me out
[10:21:10 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: i did not know that it will sound like that
[10:21:33 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: are you mad?
[10:21:46 AM] cj_fulkerson: Im un sure
[10:22:06 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: im messing things up
[10:22:13 AM] cj_fulkerson: now that you weren't saying what I thought you were
[10:22:30 AM] cj_fulkerson: why do you think you need to break up with me?
[10:23:47 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: what did i made you feel?
[10:24:05 AM] cj_fulkerson: I asked first
[10:26:37 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: i dont want to hurt you
[10:26:56 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: i am scared of messing things up but I think i am already messing things up
[10:27:06 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: I am taking this too seriously
[10:27:14 AM] cj_fulkerson: that is why you think you want to break up with me? cuz you're afraid that you are going to hurt me?
[10:29:53 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: no
[10:30:02 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: and i dont want to get hurt
[10:30:12 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: i dont want to talk to you in IM
[10:30:14 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: it sucks
[10:30:53 AM | Edited 10:31:15 AM] cj_fulkerson: perhaps, but email is worse, and you're at work, so I don't think we can audio cuz youre at work
[10:33:37 AM] cj_fulkerson: as for what I feel, I'm not sure. I think I'm still trying to figure out what exactly to feel, because I'm debating how I feel about your reasons
[10:37:42 AM] cj_fulkerson: Dont worry about hurting me, I seriously doubt that there is anything you can do to hurt me. Being scared that you are going to mess things up is something else you shouldn't worry about, because you never know until you try, and always being scared of failure means that you wont get anything done. Taking the relationship too seriously is iffy, but I don't think that should scare you from a relationship either, it just means that you need to be careful on how far you go so that you don't possibly go overboard. Finally, about you getting hurt, that is iffy too, but that's just something you need to be careful about as well
[10:48:26 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: am i pushing you away?
[10:48:34 AM | Edited 10:48:37 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: i can't take back what i said
[10:49:21 AM] cj_fulkerson: are you asking if you are trying to push me away, or if you actaully are pushing me away?
[10:51:39 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: but i prefer saying something
[10:51:49 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: than saying nothing at all
[10:52:12 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: i guess this is the thing you were sayin that there are no assurance that things will be easier than before
[10:52:27 AM] cj_fulkerson: they wont be
[10:52:32 AM] cj_fulkerson: but are we still going to try?
[10:53:33 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: what do you want?
[10:53:54 AM] cj_fulkerson: sure
[10:58:03 AM] cj_fulkerson: if that is ok with you
[10:58:06 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: why?
[10:58:23 AM] cj_fulkerson: warum nicht
[10:58:46 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: as always you are socratic
[11:00:10 AM] cj_fulkerson: indeed
[11:00:26 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: why?
[11:00:32 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: why are bearing with me?
[11:00:48 AM] cj_fulkerson: becasue I believe it could be worth it in the end
Maria Helena Garcia
[11:01:24 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: i'm sorry for my crazy thinking last night
[11:01:37 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: im getting too iffy
[11:01:46 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: and somehow you bear with it
[11:01:56 AM] cj_fulkerson: its ok
[11:02:00 AM | Edited 11:02:17 AM] cj_fulkerson: Thou art forgiven
[11:02:03 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: haha
[11:02:20 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: go to maryland and see me
[11:02:24 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: haha
[11:03:03 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: so are we still in a relationship?
[11:03:10 AM] cj_fulkerson: I think so
[11:03:50 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: you are not sure?
[11:03:55 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: where is the conviction?
[11:03:59 AM] cj_fulkerson: you
[11:03:59 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: can you do video?
[11:04:10 AM | Edited 11:04:19 AM] cj_fulkerson: I'm for the relationship, are you?
[11:04:27 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: definitely!
[11:04:36 AM] cj_fulkerson: ok, sounds good
[11:04:42 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: can you do video?
[11:04:49 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: did you eat already?
[11:05:58 AM] cj_fulkerson: we can do video later
[11:06:03 AM] cj_fulkerson: I haven't eaten yet
[11:06:33 AM] cj_fulkerson: I should probably do that now
[11:09:18 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: ok
[11:09:20 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: sure
[11:09:32 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: hey bring back your status
[11:09:48 AM] cj_fulkerson: are you stalking me on facebook?
[11:10:07 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: it is a mutual thing
[11:10:21 AM] cj_fulkerson: perhaps
[11:10:28 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: please
[11:10:59 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: hey.. will you or will you not?
[11:11:12 AM] cj_fulkerson: I just did
[11:11:25 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: go eat now
[11:11:33 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: yumyum!
[11:11:35 AM] cj_fulkerson: and take a nap?
[11:11:54 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: just be sure we can talk later ok
[11:12:27 AM] cj_fulkerson: ok, with telephone or skype?
[11:12:48 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: both?
[11:12:57 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: if possible
[11:12:59 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: but if not
[11:13:03 AM] cj_fulkerson: ok, later then
Maria Helena Garcia
[11:13:07 AM] cj_fulkerson: have a good day
[11:13:18 AM] Maria Helena Garcia: where is my hug and kiss?
[11:13:45 AM] cj_fulkerson: mwah, *hug*


Friday, May 21, 2010

Gone too soon. RIP: Hannah Rayos

Gone too soon. These three words describe how I feel about you leaving our physical world. Listening to this song just makes me sadder. The lyrics speak for itself. Hannah Rayos, you are "Born to amuse, to inspire, to delight." Hannah Rayos, you are not just a comet, a rainbow, a sunlight, a castle or a...perfect flower…... Hannah Rayos, you have been and will always be an angel to me.. to everyone... and now you are an angel of God. Gone too soon.


Hannah Rayos.

They made me believe in soul mates. I know you two will be together again.


Hannah and I were exchanging messages in Facebook. We were suppose to talk on the phone. But she was busy same as me. She sent a text that promised me that she will call me. She was supposed to call me yesterday.. but she never did. Today should have been a good day because it was Cj and I's first month celebration of our in-a-relationship-status. But it wasn't really a good day. We did not have an argument or something but it was losing a dear friend of mine that saddened my day. It was this morning that I knew the sad truth. Hannah passed away. She wasn't and wouldn't be able to call me anymore.

What if I was able to call you? What if we were able to see each other before you left? What if?! Too bad that I never had a chance to have a voice conversation with you or even see you in the last 4 years. I remember when you texted before you left for the states to bid a temporary goodbye but now this is a different goodbye - a really shocking and painful one.

I have always believed that Love and the happiness with it has an expiration. I am cynical about relationships. But somehow Hannah and Russ' love for each other made me take a better look at love. Look at their wedding site. They are just so in love. They look so perfect together. They are engaged and going to get married on August. They are going to live a happy happy life. They made me believe in soul mates (which before I think was just a topic I defined in a speech back in college). They have the perfect fairytale love story. I was like telling my brother, Cj and my friends here in Maryland about them and how marvelous their love is. But somehow I guess God has other plans for her.. for them. I will still believe in love. I know their love for each other is eternal. They are soul mates. Hannah and Russ will meet again and will be together eternally.

I don't want to ask why. I just have to trust the Lord and his Plan for the two of them and the rest of the people surrounding them.

Lord, please take care of Hannah. Give her a hug from me. And please watch over her family. Please let them know that you did what you did because of a certain reason.

Hannah, I love you. I will miss you.
I will forever remember and keep you in my heart.
Thank you for being a great friend to me.

"I am still at shock. I was suppose to talk to you last night and other night. Magchihikahan pa tayo. Bibisitahin pa kita diyan. What happened?! all i can do right now is cry and pray. I miss you hannah. I want to understand but I can't. I love you."
(My comment the moment I knew about the sad news)

*Photos are from Hannah's Facebook Account. Forgive me Hannah. I just can't help but grab some pictures from your profile.


Reply to Subject: Hey (From Cj)

I guess it is different talking about this sensitive stuff on IMs. I really understand you. It may not seem though but I do. I have also a different way of coping up with death and loss. Talk is cheap but I guess I am expected to seem more sensitive at this. I am not as religious as you are. I am not very intellectual regarding the Bible or the word of God. I still have a lot to learn on that aspect of life. But I am really willing to learn. I hope you can help me learn and grow in that aspect. Like what you said, for it is with God that we met and as such that we must include Him in our relationship.

Mom and I are like twins. We were inseperable. I was like her other half. So when she died, people were worried that I might crumble or be really depressed about it. But I didn't. Yes, people have always perceived me as the strong type after all the things I've been through. I have to admit that I am. My family admired me on how I dealt with the loss and how we are moving on. I was raised by my mom to be really strong and determined. I guess I just have a high tolerance for pain. I know where Mom is right now. And I am happy that she is in a place where she deserves to be - heaven, her happy place. She is dead but she will forever live my heart.

I believe that God has a master plan for everyone and everything. My mom's death is a testimony to that and as such each person/entity is a testimony to His plan. Death happens to everybody. Everyone dies. Everyone goes to that state. It is a fact of life. Some experience it early, some experience it later in their life. It is that attachment to the person who dies that makes it harder to accept that that person is gone. The body decays but the spirit lives on. It is what the person lives behind that makes the person immortal on earth. It is death that bridges one person to another universe way beyond the physical world that we have. A universe that can't be explained by our mere intelligence. I remember the show Joan of Arcadia regarding what I am saying.

By the way, what are your thoughts on karma and reincarnation?

What do you mean, 'when I mourn, I don't turn towards others'? It is saying that keeping the mourning to oneself. I believe some people tend to talk about a loss to others as a way to ease one's pain or to celebrate the life of the person who died. Talking to another person (not expecting an advice or sentiment) about a loss - in its plainest sense just having someone to listen is great way of comfort. I have the option to not talk to you about the aforementioned stuff but I think I should and I have to. So where I am heading with this? I just want to clarify that I wasn't expecting you to really comfort me. I kind of have the idea of how you deal with things. I have my own ways of coping up. I was just expecting a conversation. I guess I just blurted out words that are different from what I really meant. I have always thought about us discussing about these stuff wherein you will open something ideological or philosophical about things - in this case death. I guess we haven't 'talked' really that much. We still need to improve on how we converse. The IM's doesn't make up for the real things that we want/should talk about.

But with all these in mind, I am still grateful that we clarified what needs to be clarified, improve what needs to be improved and just having the willpower to work things out. About Patrick's situation, i really appreciate what you've shared. I know it may take a while for you to open things like those to me. But I'll be patient. And I am here for you. I am not just a girlfriend, I am also a friend. I want to serve a double purpose.:) We still have a lot of things to know about each other. I just want to know if you are in the same boat as mine regarding all these matters.

Have a great night. Take care on your way home. Or if you get to read this tomorrow, good morning.