burn out

i am so consumed. ..
with acads..
with bm 105..
company proposal..
with election issues..
with ivan..

what to do?!
what to do?!

i'll know.,,.
i'll know,.,

burn out

i am so consumed. ..
with acads..
with bm 105..
company proposal..
with election issues..
with ivan..

what to do?!
what to do?!

i'll know.,,.
i'll know,.,

some qoutes...

Some inspiring quotes from SEX and the City!

1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
2. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
3. If you have ANY doubt in your mind about a man's character, leave him alone.
4. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
5. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
6. Don't force an attraction.
7. Slower is better.
8. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
9. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
10. Have faith in God regarding your relationship, but don't let faith make you stupid. God does things decent and in order.

11. Don't settle.
12. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
13. If he keeps changing his mind about the relationship--take that as a BIG sign that he is unstable. Do you really want to be with a man like that?

14. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

15. Honorable men take care of their business and aren't involved in a whole lot of mess.
16. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
17. There's only one 'reason' a man dumps you; he doesn't want you.
18. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

19. You really do have to kiss a few frogs before finding the prince.
20. Always put yourself and your happiness first.
21. Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
22. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
23. If he doesn't call, he just isn't that interested.
24. Be honest and upfront.
25. Know when to cut the cord, don't be strung along.
26. Don't fall for the "I'm confused role". Remove yourself from the situation to let him figure things out (but don't wait for him, move on).

27. If you want to have a clue as to how he will treat you, watch how he treats the WOMEN in his family (not just mom).
28. There's more than physical abuse, there's emotional and mental abuse. If he causes any of them...flee.
29. You cannot change a man's behaviors. Change comes from within.
30. Don't let him place rules on you that he is not willing to follow himself -- double-standard.
31. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.
32. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
33. Demand respect and if he can't give it, he can't have you!
34. Don't compete with other woman, but be aware that men are attracted to what they see.
35. If you think he is cheating, he probably is. Confront him right away and if you feel he's lying, let him go.
36. The eyes speak louder than words.
37. Never let a man define who you are.
38. Never rely on a man for compliments, look to yourself for that.
39. Never borrow someone else's man.
40. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
41. Just because he says he loves you, doesn't mean that he won't hurt you and it doesn't mean that you are meant to be with him.

42. To use painful hard-won wisdom -- 'get it right' the next time.
43. Know that you deserve to be the number one person in the life of the #1 person in your life.
44. Love is a verb ...
45. Learn to give up your lifelong task of trying to make someone unavailable-available, someone ungiving-giving, and someone unloving-loving.

46. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
47. All men are NOT dogs.
48. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two way street.
49. If you don't love self...you can't love anyone else.
50. You cannot mend someone else's broken heart.
51. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage...deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

52. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complementary...not supplementary.

53. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
54. NEVER give more in a relationship than you are getting out of it.
55. Never become your man's "therapist".
56. When actions and words conflict, believe the actions. Respond to the actions.
57. A real healthy relationship requires two people. One person can end it - but it takes two to make it work.
58. Don't fall for the "I'm not the loving type"...when a man loves you there is nothing in this world (within reason) that he wouldn't do for you.<---hahahhahahahhaha!!!!

59. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him he takes it for granted.

60. Give him his space...let him go out with his boys, don't pressure him to spend time with you. You cant force a man to hang out with you.

61. If you wouldn't allow your daughter to be with him you shouldn't.
62. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
63. Never move into his mother's house.
64. Provide financially for yourself and don't depend on anyone.
65. Never co-sign for a man.
66. Never believe you have the perfect guy and he is so innocent.
67. Never spoil your man; let him spoil you.
68. Never let a man mess up your credit.
69. When it's time to let go; let go.
70. Good men should be treated like good men.
71. Don't play games.
72. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
73. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

74. Compatibility in terms of educational attainment, values, beliefs, personal and career goals, and socio-economic status, are important.

75. Never date a guy who wears colored contacts. :)

Liberation.

February 22, 2008

Liberation.

Speaking up.
Knowing how to assert what I want because I have the right and because I deserve it.
The feeling of liberation.. the feeling of being able to say and do what I want.
Nothing beats the feeling of freedom and power.

I hate it when people cut in lines. I was supposed to buy a few blank DVDs for my brother and I was after a woman who was like buying wholesale. So I waited.. and waited. The sales lady recognized a man behind me who was exchanging a damaged item. Its ok I thought because I was not it a rush. Suddenly there was this man who suddenly ordered to the second attending clerk, I looked at the sales lady in front me in a manner where the third world war may occur. So I declared that I was first. Gladly she recognized my imposition and received my order.Afterwards, I said thank you. The feeling of having the right and the power. Oh, the feeling of being able to impose my right to that darn man.

Don’t cut lines. We all have the right. Like you, I can pay and that makes us quits. So don’t try to boss me.


February 23, 2008

H: ivs, let’s work things out. 
I: : - ) nasa bahay ka na?
H: Smile lang? haha. Nasa labas kami for dinner, kadarating ko lang. Kain. U

>no reply

H: di ka na nagreply. Nakauwi na kami. U

Are things getting worse? I don’t know. My issue is: if you are trying to know if you are in love with me, I on the other is falling out of love. Ivs, if you don’t make a move.. you’ll lose me.. big time. There is a possibility that certain things willl end between us.. the friendship.. and everything else… because of this new setup.. but that is not in my hands.. it involves the two of us.. US.. not just me.. it includes you.. I hate this feeling that things are getting worse.. I hope I’m wrong.. I really hope I’m wrong.

Time. Do you still need more time? I’m sorry but I have any more time to give.

Moms are moms.

Moms are moms. When you’re little, they teach you that everything in this world is good. You are taught that people are kind even if we live in this dangerous world. it is you’re parents that tell you that. Also, you consider you’re moms the best epitome of idealism and believed that they are “super” heroes. In my case, when I was little I have always considered the world as being just and kind and that my parents were the angels sent to the world to make life great. The one (of the best people) hero I consider is my Mom. In my case, I considered my mom as my guardian angel sent by God to protect me and make my life great. My mom was my first teacher. She was the first person who taught me to speak, write and read. She was the one who assisted me through my elementary days – maybe without her continuous support I would never had made it as salutatorian in my elementary days and graduated with honors in high school. But life isn’t always the way we want it to be – cliché but true. When my adolescence/teenage years came – things started to change. I have had problems of my own – insecurities and all – which I wanted to resolve by myself. In effect, this decision led me to distance myself a little bit with my mother. I wanted to get solo. I realized seeing from my parents that being parents is an experimental thing; no one really knows the perfect/right method/combination of parenting for every child has always been different and unique in every way. I have perceived my mother as not being able to understand me. Growing the opposite of the life she had; I thought that it would be difficult for her to understand my inhibitions. She had a to-die-for beauty indifferent to mine; always being compared to her was one of insecurities. My mom was an easy going person; I was more of the conscious one. At that time, everything I had was envious of her and of what she had once had. I just plainly considered myself as a shame. I started to keep things from her; I started to discover things on my own. I didn’t do drugs, I didn’t do sex. I just made myself me. But I realized being solo isn’t the best idea after all. My family is all I had. I couldn’t identify myself without my family. I realized that I couldn’t make it on my own. I needed my mom to back me up when I am lonely, when I needed support, when I needed someone to fight for me, someone to provide me the essentials of life; when I needed a mom In the end I realized, I needed her. Despite all the criticisms, problems, insecurities, challenges I had; she was there for me, she understood me and most of all she still loved me. I knew I was wrong for judging my mom and ever since our reconciliation I never kept anything from my mom. She knows everything about me and I consider her my own best friend. Other people ask me, why I am so close with my mother. I answer them one thing: It is because I wanted to. I didn’t become close to my mother because she was my biological mother but because I wanted too. I wanted my mother to be part of my life. I wanted her to know how I am and to let her know what a great mother she is. There are still things that I don’t get with being a mother – like asking too much for the details, asking too many questions, “makulit” when it comes to boys, too hooked on wowowee. For sure someday I’ll know the answers - that is when I will be a mother too. But for now, I’ll enjoy being a daughter to my ever dearest mother.

“If not us then who? If not now then when?”

If not I, then who?
CTALK By Cito Beltran
Monday, January 28, 2008

UP or the University of the Philippines is often criticized for producing nothing but politicians and Godless activists. One group steals the peoples’ money or the peoples’ democracy while the other waste tax payers money by creating more chaos or fighting the police and the military in the hinterlands.
But from where I stand, UP has raised many but little appreciated individuals who have contributed not only in terms of professional expertise but even more in speaking out for an ideal or against a social or political injustice.
Every school, university or educational institution has raised their own share of “good citizens” but historically speaking, UP has trained more outspoken citizens or bold individuals who willingly risk personal comfort or professional persecution because their training makes it unacceptable to turn a blind eye or simply join the silent majority.
The average UP student cannot avoid being confronted by the questions: “Kung hindi tayo; sino? Kung hindi ngayon; kailan?”
“If not us then who? If not now then when?” I am told that those were the words of a courageous activist known as Voltaire Garcia. I have come to know many more men and women such as him during the many years I spent at UP.
Some of them were brave idealists who did not wait to graduate from the University. They took the message and spoke out. Others went to the streets and protested, while a few unnamed warriors took up arms and paid with their lives. The rest of us were just waiting for our time.
We were not all brave. We were not all idealistic. But in time and presented with the need and the opportunity just about everyone speak out or did something. It may be at PTAs, Barangay meetings, court rooms or board rooms or in front of the cameras. Because of our “outspoken nature, we are called Rebels and rebellious.
Hardly! I dare say. Plain and simple rebellion does not solicit respect from people who gained entry into an institution that accepts you because of your intellect, reasoning and not your parents’ wealth. Rebellion draws no crowds among an interdependent culture known for logic, excellence and organization.
We do not speak merely of our opinion as everyone seems to be obsessed in doing in today’s culture of “My opinion.com” or “Bloggers anonymous@Gaggle. com”. No it is not about opinion but about conviction.
We speak out against social and political injustices we learned and understood from our probinsyano batch mates who lived lives in hardship and poverty. We learned the realities of life and politics from our teachers and professors who cared to mentor us while they gave up opportunities to teach in exclusive schools and earn enough money for a house, a car and a better social status.
The opinions we formed were created by living in a real community. Not just an academic community but one where government employees lived in temporary conditions until they were no longer part of the system and therefore no longer qualified to live in the university grounds. That is as real as it gets.
As real as living in an academic community invaded and assimilated with squatter colonies, infiltrated by rebel scholars as well as deep penetration agents and military Intelligence officers in training and subject to the egos, politics and sexual disposition of government officials and politicians.
We live it, we breathe it. It is the way we pay back all the real tax payers who partly paid for our education. It is the commitment we made when we became “Iskolars ng Bayan” that we would give back to UP and to the Philippines . Some of us manage to speak out and even fight the injustices. Some of us manage to give or achieve solutions that hurt or damage our society and some unfortunately excelled at damaging our society and continue to do so.
This is why we have become the worst critics of government and of politicians. We are not rebels we are merely the enemies of those who betrayed the nation and the people.
We are not Godless because if we were, why would we fight and risk life itself for such godly things as truth, justice, equality and freedom. Why would we despise the corrupt and the brutal who embrace evil with pride and arrogance? We are called Godless by those who have replaced the true God with compromise and commerce. We are condemned by those who speak from ignorance rather than intellect.
As a people we have either suffered in silence or lashed out in rage. Too many Filipinos willingly express opinion but not their conviction. They find satisfaction of their civic duty by expressing opinion rather than acting and speaking with conviction. Opinion is but an organized collection of thoughts and emotions. Opinion is relative to time or something for the moment.
Conviction involves wisdom, passion, commitment, and action not just for ourselves but for the greater or collective good. Speaking out is merely a consequence or as a result of our efforts and commitment to a cause, a standard or a way of life.
Often “Speaking out” is already “Action” in itself. By speaking out we oppose unacceptable doctrine or behavior. By speaking out we educate or warn others. By speaking out we teach others of a better way or thinking. Commitment requires action not just sound. Speaking out is not just for the moment. We do so when needed not when we feel like it.
So next time you decide to express yourself, ask yourself if its just another opinion, if it’s someone else’s opinion or your true conviction. Then you’ll understand the significance of the “Oblation” a man who can stand before men and God naked but unashamed.

source:http://www.philstar .com/archives. php?aid=20080127 111&type=2

ode to the letter.

February 17, 2008

Dear Ivan,

Writing this letter to you doesn’t qualify for any obligations (word of the season.haha) or reciprocation. I write this letter to you because I believe I owe it to myself. I am glad we talked yesterday, somehow I did not expect that but I guess that was what we really needed. I realized that our biggest problem was COMMUNICATION. We weren’t able to totally express ourselves well in the last few months. Factors includes the communication medium and our personal suppression of issues to refrain from hurting the other. Due to the lack of formal communication: assumptions, personal questions left unanswered, issues lead to misinterpretation which lead to more complicating issues.

There are a lot of things we refrain from talking about. But somehow I would like to take this advantage to sort some things out. Having our talk last time, I think has opened some better communication lines between us.

I still don’t know what you feel about me. Somehow, I wasn’t able to ask you clearly. Partly I didn’t is because you yourself said you were not sure. Well, I leave that query for you to answer.

When you asked me about trying to work things out this second time because we started out at the wrong foot, I answered immediately by saying no. Distance as you said was your biggest concern. Mine was would such ‘another trial’ be sustainable. You know for a fact that I love you. Saying this doesn’t require you anything. I just wanted to finally confirm it out. But somehow love is not enough. There are a lot of things to consider about you, about me, and the coming ‘us’. I am willing to ‘try again’. Have a new start or whatever you call it. But I asked myself, would such decision be something that we can handle. You have your priorities – priorities that I cannot see myself in. And with the distance and the fast-paced-life we have, could we keep up with the demands between us? On one side, deciding not to move forward would maybe make our lives easier and less complicated but on the other what if this is the only chance we have. I quote what you said the last time: “Everything just seems so complicated” (what a pessimistic attitude no?haha). Or are we the ones making everything complicated? Maybe everything sums to that it is not the right time for ‘us’. I don’t know. I don’t know where I am heading with this. On side note, I think I need your help on these matters.

Our talk last time was a spontaneous one; we had to take in a lot of things at one single bang. I know we parted ways that time in a good and partly settled way. But then I realized that the talk was not sufficient. I don’t have any idea of what the coming days would offer. Total change does not happen overnight. I hope we can have another talk. No pressures on when or how. I believe that our last conversation has opened doors for better communication and I hope this continues.


With great wishes.


Sincerely yours,

Helena

when love becomes an obligation, Or was there really love in the first place?

better than expected, so far...

I don't like valentines.. for one reason..i don't have to celebrate it. desperate? kind of. well i have my reasons. pretty much of it was a personal choice and partner i could call my own. A sign of it was sleeping early last night not reviewing for my company defense nor being excited for the V day.

But this day seems to be very different (so far) from the valentines i had in the previous years (puberty years). Years when you get that need to be part of such event.

Reasons:

1. My proposal got accepted in less than five minutes. No bragging. Sir bermudo, i love you. wahehe. To take in to consideration, that i chose to sleep than to review for my defense. Oh lord, you do work in mysterious ways.

2. I got my my period. After my proposal got accepted, i came out room 1 screaming and running like i won the lottery then suddenly i felt a gush. at first i thought it was pee because i had to postpone my visit to the cr prior to my defense. But as i ran to the bathroom and got myself locked up in the cubicle.. hallelujah, it was blood. after 2 weeks, i had my visit. the wonders of mr. bermudo. double celebration. haha

* i don't know if i should consider this a reason, but ivan texted me. After sending him 2 sms (regarding a great morning and having a great day), he finally decided to reply.
here's the sms:

Happy Valentines Hel!:-D
*hugz*

Then my mom sent me an sms asking if ivan already sent me an sms. Because she was greeted four in the morning while i was greeted after i remembered him.

3. A recieved a rose from a super friend. After my econ 131 class (which ended up in a mind boggling query and debate about applying multiple regression ms excel), jules suprised me with a red rose and a love letter. I have never recieved a red rose on valentines. It feels so great being suprised. aww. jules, i love you. i'll always be here for you despite most of the times being not physically present.


4.I got my check. After almost two months, i already got the reimbursement of our trip in baguio for the kasama sa up and UP GASC.

5. A wonderful visit, Sarah. Sarah was giving me a ring for a number of times. I was not able to mind because of our proposal defense. When my free time came, we were able to text and she was in clark for a visit. and she was having a sleepover on our dorm. Right now, she is beside me not knowing that i am writing about her.

Oh here's the challenge for the day...
I am currently battling, haggling for the slots of my blockmates regarding the proposal defense. so i'll be back to finish this entry..

like i said, these are the reasons that i had a great valentines, so far..

commercialism of valentines

what's with valentines? im not being bitter or sour or whatever you call it. Its just that everything seems to so valentines-y. It seems like when you're single (which i am) its seems that you don't belong to such event. whew! i admit i want a great valentines this year. somehow. somewhere in the recesess of my brain, i hope. its just that please can everyone lessen the power of valentines, its starting to make to be little angry at myself. haha

'someone'

i never wished for someone who would offer me the moon and the stars..just someone to lay down with and watch them with me.. thank you for being that 'someone'.

-ooOoo-

:-*

*hugz*

gdlck po sa wrk..

:-)

nyt...u

-ooOoo-

Niaantok na ako

ms.helena

*pokes her back*

:-P:-*

-ooOoo-

*hugz*

ui...bwal malunkot...

*tickles*

hihihi.

:-*

ui.....

-ooOoo-

ivan.

hugz.

mark.

kisses.

camara.

smiles.

galura.

happiness.

:-)

:-)

:-)

-ooOoo-

a hectic day. a week full of work. a gazillion things to do. stress. pressures. burnout. yet at the end of the day there would always be that someone... someone who keeps me sane. ..someone who gives me the nudge here and there...and the push to go on.. thank you.

to the coming endeavors. best wishes. bm105 defense and proposal. history 151 exam. here i come. i'll surpass 'you' all with flying colors. :-)

-ooOoo-

STOP.THINK.

No matter what I do I always end up wanting you..going back to..you..

“If a person doesn’t love you anymore,there is NO MORE REASON for you to stay. The only way to STOP HURTING is to STOP WANTING. And the only way to stop wanting is to START ACCEPTING that the person is probably NOT THE SAME person you used to know. Then and only then can you move on to finding the happiness that becomes truly rewarding when shared with the person who LOVES you the SAME or probably EVEN MORE.”

Maybe I still thought you were the same guy I knew two years ago. But I think you aren’t now. One year brought so many changes. One day could destroy all possibilities. One moment was all it took for you to walk away (somehow). Honestly I feel so numb now. If you ask me, I don’t know the difference of pain and happiness anymore. Somehow you taught me how to feel both. How to experience both. But now, I want happiness but at the same time I can’t have it. I have been pushing myself to you but I forgot the sign to you heart was PULL. I don’t really know anymore. I want to give up but somewhere I believe that there is more to these pain that I am feeling. Patience is a virtue as I firmly believe.

I hate it when you text me as if you were just having a group message. So I decline to reply the other night. I was always the type of person who customizes everything from text to personal notes and you weren’t. Also, I was to have an exam the other day but majority of the reason was it was like any other text. In the back of my mind, have you received the letter I’ve mailed to you.

Last night, Mom and I ate in Chowking for some halo-halo and siopao. Whenever I miss you or remember you, I always text. You replied – two times to be exact. And tadah you’re gone. I even asked if I was being nosy but you didn’t reply. So I diverted my attention to other people – guys to be exact. I had three boys who called and texted me last night. I don’t’ flirt I am just accommodating. Andrei called me up asking to be my date on valentines. Erwin was asking me if he was the one I asked ‘can you finally be mine?’. Gerald was the crazy one, I was asking him to be my ‘chix’. Somehow, after all the texting I had with them… you were the one I long for.. you were the one I want.,. you were still the same I man I wanted to talk to after the weekend.. you were the one I want to burn the phones lines with on a Saturday night.. you.. like we always did one year go…

What the hell happened? What? I want to know.. you never talk.. you never tell me.. never.. you were always the mysterious/ james dean type who want to make other people crazy reading your mind.

Ivan, I’m tired. And I do not know anymore what keeps me going on. Is it because that I can’t have you that the more I want you. Tell me. Right now, I am just hanging on to the memories we had together.. the happy times … but somehow I think you don’t want those memories anymore.. you’ve grown up while I am here stuck in a pit reminiscing the three years that had gone by. Blame me, but the memories are all I have of you. We are not together anymore. I don’t see you that often anymore or probably not anymore. We don’t get to talk. Text? For the casual reasons only. I’m in complete awe. I don’t know. I need to stop. I need to realize and accept that You are not the ivan I used to know three years ago. After all the pain I have given myself for the sake of you, I still wonder why. WHY do I still want you? Why? Somehow, I thought because you were the person I had the best conversations with. The person I feel inferior to (not like with other men that I feel so superior). The person I admire. I person I still have a crush on. The person who still makes me happy for the smallest reasons. The person I am in love with… until now.

“But I am sorry I have to move on”. I always find myself saying this. But does anyone really move on. Or they just go on. What is the difference. At this moment, the pain starts to sink in. Maybe I still know the difference. Pain is when I am alone and I realized that you can’t be mine. And happiness is when you give me a few seconds of you time.

STOP. THINK. Even though I badly want things to end or things to be better; I can’t. I want too. But I don’t have the power.

One last fling. One last boyfriend before I leave. I want to have someone. I want to have a real relationship where I am loved and the relationship is two-sided. I guess it is really true that the person, who loves the most, is the person who needs its most. And at the moment, I just want to be loved… hopefully by you.. but not anymore.. I can’t say goodbye.. but i can say thank you.. thank you for all the emotions you’ve made me feel.. and for making me love someone unconditionally.. wish me luck to find the person who really deserves me.. someday..i tell you..someday.. THE ONE would cross my path..and love me endlessly.. but for now, I must stop wallowing and feeling depressed ..I must be glamorous..pretty.. attractive..who knows when I’ll meet him? And if that moment comes I want him to see and meet me at my best!


*STOP. THINK. Is the title of a song of aaliyah parcs. I though of this title because at this moment I should stop and think (reassess).

Broken Sonnet

Sonnet 116

By William Shakespeare

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come:

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

-oo0oo-

As the wind brushes my face

I remember you…

How you were once by my side

And how we were once so ‘happy’ together

A mere memory perhaps, Yet it tells a whole lot of stories…

A memory that still haunts me until today

With each surpassing day, I hope…

Hope that someday… maybe someday…

I’ll have the chance to see you again…

January 24, 2008

08:00 AM

-oo0oo-

PS These are poems that I secretly snail mailed to ivan last January 28, 2008 with the help of my dad.