Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Being Homeless

How do you define homeless? Does being homeless mean not having a physical structure of residence. For me, Home is not just a place of residence or refuge; it is place where you can find family.

I woke up early today for work. I was trying to wake up Eclipson to ask for a bath towel because my bath towel was in the laundry. The storage for them was locked and Tita Lyn was still sleeping. I was about to take a shower but the shower is occupied. I was trying to take nap while waiting for the bathroom to be vacant. As I was taking a shower, Tita Lyn was knocking calling out Rolence, her son. Then I shouted and said: "Tita, si Maria po ito."She wanted to use a bathroom for a second. And so I rushed up to wear my clothes though unfinished with my shower. Then, after she was done, I returned and rinsed up.

Before I left, Eclipson was outside the door. He gave me a look that I won't forget. It was a look that is like saying that have some shame. I asked him if he was mad and he said he is mildly mad.

As I was driving on the way to the hardware store for work, I was pondering on what did I do today or the past few days that made him mad at me. I tried to message him before I clocked in for work but no luck.

I started work at 7:30 AM. It is not the best time I want to start working but I have to. We had to move some stuff from the storage to the outside of the store. I had to put some displays. Also, I met a another Filipino, Ben, at work, he sort of interviewed me about my life. He asked me what I did before this job, my background in the Philippines. After getting a glimpse of my life and background, he said I don't deserve to work there. He told me that there is a job opening at Wachovia Bank in Rockville. I was glad that he shared that. The last time I applied for Wachovia Bank at another location, I did not get accepted.

I got assigned to an aisle, bathroom aisle 29. I did some rearrangments and repricing. I was glad when I was able to answer a customer's inquiry especially when the product that she wanted was from my aisle.

My job is really tiring standing around looking for something to do. Whenever I stop and think why I decided to move out from my old job, I always remind myself that is this for the best. I have to start somewhere in order to have better opportunities. I am already close to the area wehre I want to work. Why do I need to step back?

During lunch break, I tried calling the recruiter for the Corporate Payroll Services. It did not respond so I moved on and call the Filipina working at the Wachovia Bank in Rockville that Ben referred. Her name was Carla. She was very accomodating and asked about my background. She said she will contact me tomorrow or on Friday if my application can still be considered because I already applied for a different branch of the bank.

After I ate lunch, I called Eclipson to straighten things out regarding the earlier scenario. He told me things that really made me cry. His family has been having complaints about my stay in their house. First, I take too long in the shower. While, most of the boys rush up when taking a shower, he said that I tend to make the water flow even though I am not using it. I admit that there are number of times that I do that. Second, I don't help out much or I don't show that much concern for the house. I wash the dishes when I can, I change the garbage when I can. I do what I can in the kitchen. I admit that it has been a while since I swept the floor. I haven't cleaned the bathroom. I am guilty of not helping out too much because I don't know how to help. The first few weeks and days that I was there, I offered but they said it was ok. When I offered help to Eclipson, he said he is ok. I was concerned that all them has territory regarding house responsibilities that I don't know how to fit in. Third, I haven't told them what my plans are and I have been staying too long. I am guilty to both. I haven't told Tita Lyn of my plans yet because I don't know how to work everything out. There I times that I wanted to knock on her door and ask for advice but she has problems to deal with herself. At that moment, I was seeking for a mother but I don't know if I can get that from her because I am longing for my own mother. I have been staying in the house for 46 days or 2 and 1/2 weeks for free. I offered money but Tita Lyn did not accept the two times that I offered because I didn't have a job yet in those times. I have been looking for rooms for rent where I can move in. I would like to admit that I think I don't have enough money to get the place if the room requires a 2 months advance and deposit. That will maybe cost $1100 which will drain my savings. But thanks to my job even though pays little, I might to have some money to move out. I will move out in 3 weeks. I will just need to get my paycheck and find a place where I can.

I feel alone and homeless here in the United States. I don't have a home I can call my own. I don't have a 'family' that I can call my own. I have been terrified by getting too close. I have been terrified by the idea of getting kicked out of a house. I am just sad.

When I met Ben, he said I was tough-hearted for being alone in the US. If he only knew, how I am starting to double think if I made the wrong decision to quit my previous job. I don't know what to do next. Maybe I am wrong for acting like I know what to do when I actually do not. It is just hard to ask for answers when you I am terrified and worried everyday that I might get kicked out where I am living in.

I have been crying the last two days and two nights. The tears as more painful than those I have shed of last year. I am longing for an embrace of security and a pat of hope. Hopefully, I will get that one of the days.

For now, I have to leave the library because it is closing. Then, I have to go to Tita Lyn and face her to talk about everything. I hope that things will work out. I hope. I hope.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

feeling low

Today is my first day at the Strosnider's Hardware Store in Bethesda. My feet are so tired. I have been standing for 9 hours minus 1 hour lunch.

When I went home, I realized how things are going to be for me if I stay at the Hardware Store for the next coming weeks. I will for an average of 37 hours a week, borderline full time.
I got teary-eyed realizing how hard the next coming months will be for me. I also felt sad that I am alone. I don't have enough savings. I wouldn't enough money from my work. I wouldn't have enough. I feel under accomplished. I felt that my college degree didn't do me justice. I feel that after all that I have been through, I will start working as a service person.

Monday, February 14, 2011

My Pre-Valentine's Weekend (2011)

Most couple make their Valentine's Day a big deal. I wasn't really a person who was part of the hype. I don't enjoy occasions being sensationalized.

Throughout my existence, this is my first year that I have a Valentine whom I truly love and loves me deeply as well.

CJ got the weekend off to spend a Pre-Valentine's weekend with me.

Feb 11, 2011

I had a pre-employment skills test for a Payroll Processor Job for a Corporate Payroll Services Company. I can still remember the dilemma I had when answering a math problem. The answer to -10 - -5 is -5. I think I got it right but I amhoping that I got more than enough right answers to land me an interview.

On my way back to the house, I stopped by at the Asian Market to buy some stuff. I was happy that there was the Filipino-Spanish Bread there. But to my surprise, the real Spanish Bread from the Philippines is unbeatable. I bought some Lucky Me Pancit Canton, Salted eggs, Tortillos, Chippy Chili Cheese and many more. It was just like shopping at a sari-sari store.

CJ arrived around 9 PM. I made a special request for him to buy Tomatoes for the salted eggs. We had dinner at home. He ate most the Filipino foods present. He ate Lucky Me Pancit Canton, Sinigang na Baboy, Itlog na Pula and Kamatis and Tinapang Isda. I am so glad that he was such a cowboy.

We got the Hilton Rockville MD for $53 a night. :)

February 12, 2011

We woke up late. We have always planned to go the Smithsonian Museum, Washington DC. Our last attempt was CJ and I first met. Unfortunately at that time, we couldn't find a parking spot. So we decided that the next time we come to DC we are going to take the subway.

And so we went to DC with just the address of where we want to go with no other considerations for the trip. We just planned to go with the flow.

CJ's first subway trip in DC.

Me. Waiting for the train to the Smithsonian Museum.

The Washington National Monument.

CJ as tall as the monument.haha

The Smithsonian Museum. American History Center

CJ for US President.

Filipino Guerilla of WWII.

Streets named after Presidents.

First Lady Eisenhower's Inaugural Dress.

First Lady Michelle Obama's Inaugural Dress.

Peanuts Cartoon. Pop Culture.

Part of the Berlin Wall.

In front of the Smithsonian Museum American History.

Things to remember when going to DC on a winter season:
1. Protect yourself from the cold weather. Bring scarfs, hoodie, mittens or anything that will keep you warm.
2. Wear comfortable shoes especially if you plan to decide to walk for long hours. Learn from me, vanity can be painful. No new shoes for long walks.
3. Bring food and water! Food in DC especially in the museums can be expensive. And you will really be hungry.
3. Plan your trip. It is better to plan your trip so you know where to go and how to maximize your trip. One day is not enough to visit all the Smithsonian Museums.
5. Enjoy! Aside from CJ giving me tour, he also gave me a piggy back ride.

After going to the Museum, we went back to the hotel. We bought some Popeye's for dinner and ate at home. Then we went to Walmart for some grocery shopping. Then, we tried to look for champagne because CJ dear has been wanting one to celebrate Valentine's and his being 21 years old. After the events of the whole day, we enjoyed the night back at the hotel to sleep.

February 13, 2011

We woke up late as usual. Got an hour extension at the Hilton. Fortunately, we weren't charged for overnight parking at Hilton; $30 saved.

Hilton's Atrium. View from the 8th Floor.

CJ as a model.

Yey! Hilton!

CJ almost couldn't get through.haha
Proof of his height.

The Hilton at Rockville Maryland.

We went to the Montgomery Mall to buy some the Pretzels and to get CJ's glasses fixed.

Around 6 PM, he left to go back to North Carolina.

To my Valentine, Happy Valentine's Day!
Schatzi, I love you.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Crazy Little Thing Called Love (aka First Love)

Do you remember when you experienced that magical feeling that you felt for someone? The feeling that gives you butterflies. The feeling that makes you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. The feeling that makes you imagine having his last name added to yours. If you did, that is great. You had a chance to fall in love. But can you remember your First Love? The first time your really felt or you think you felt in love?

As I was glancing on my news feeds on Facebook, my college organization mate posted a trailer for a movie. I got curious then watched it. With just the first view, I got enticed to watch the full movie and started searching the parts of the movie on youtube.

The movie is titled "Crazy little thing called Love (aka First Love)". It is made in Thailand. You can watch the trailer of First Love here.

The movie got me teary-eyed because I was able to relate to the story. I am part of the 89% who watched the trailer that had the same experience. I did most of what she did for the one she love. I will relate the lines from the trailer to my own personal experience. I would basically relate it to my First "Puppy" Love in college, Ivan.

89% of the people who have watched this trailer have been through the experience

Walk pass just to see his face

Ivan transferred to a different college when he shifted from Business Economics to Political Science. The summer that I was able to spend in the college that he was in I tried and made sure to pass through his organization's hang out place just to see if he was there. Most of the time he wasn't but still I tried.

Keep his things as souvenir

I still have the things that he gave. From the tickets when we watched a basketball/cheerdance to a shirt that he gave me but I never got to wear because it didn't fit me. Maybe at one point in time I will let of go of them. I am not letting go of them because I still love him. I am not letting go of them yet because those things and the memories I shared with him reminds me of how I was before and how I turned out to be.

Call him just to hear his voice

Whenever I got curious of how he is or just couldn't hold myself why he hasn't contacted me yet I will call his home phone. There are times that I am lucky that he gets to pick up. I will try to make conversations but I know that the enthusiasm is not mutual.

Does everything to become beautiful

Like the movie, I had braces, I had glasses, and I was a little dark. Added to that, I was fat. In the last years of college, I blossomed. I used contact lens instead of glasses. I became lighter. I lost my pimples. I shaped up (not too thin). And I got my braces removed and had the most beautiful smile. He wasn't my sole motivation. But he was the start. My transformation made me more attractive to other men though not the best thing that happened, it still taught me a lot about relationships.

Or may be to to face him directly

Plasters for your wound

I can remember that night when he asked me to be his girlfriend and I declined. That was also the night that I admitted how much I loved him. The idea of "us" didn't work out.

Time Changes

There were whatifs after my decision to not pursue a relationship with Ivan but I know that what I did was a right decision.

People Change

I wouldn't be as stable in my relationship right now if I didn't go through that night with Ivan.

But the heart remains true

You have come this far, you must fight to the end

I did try my best to pursue my love for Ivan but there wasn't that much love in the end. I know the battle was just with me.

I can push myself to regret what I did but my past experiences shaped me to who I am today. I still look back at that stage in my life and realized that I have that much love to give to a person.

Based on the true story of everyone

My heart has remained true and pure. But it beats for a different person now. It beats for a person who loves me dearly and purely. It beats for a person that I want to spend the rest of my life with and wants to do the same too.

Each person has a love story. Each love story has the sad and happy parts. But for sure everyone will fall in love even for once in his or her life.

First Love.

It is nice to look back on how my first love shaped me to who I am today. My love story might not have ended up how I wanted it to be 5 years ago but still I am glad that I was able to share that "First Love" the best fulfilling way that I can. Also, I am having that happy beginnings (no endings yet) with someone named Christopher James Barnak Fulkerson.

Monday, February 7, 2011

proud and careless

Have you ever felt proud for something then after a little you will do something stupid?

This afternoon, I went to an interview for NIH/NIAID and Sobran. This is my third interview. Why? The first two was a success but they didn't land me a job with Sobran because they hired the internals that I was competing with. When I met up with Page, the HR manager, he told me that the HR Managers want to hire me because of my potential. He said that I can easily do the job and that I can easily move up as well. They were sorry about the first two but they are trying their best to find something for me. That is why they are keeping me in their radar. The interview was the same as the first time, though, I stuttered a little bit. I gave out pretty much short answers. Though this interview was not excellent, I hope with this third interview, I can get the job.

How did I get careless?

The moment that Eclipson came in all he saw was 'mess' around the house which most of them were mine.

1. I forgot to put back the ironing board back.
2. I wasn't able to clean up the frying pan where I cooked tocino.
3. I didn't take out a pyrex that has oil on it. That could have caused a fire.
4. I forgot to take out the bacon. The bacon got really burned. I thought that turning off the oven and letting the bacon cook will be good. I forgot that it is not a stove. There will be a lot of heat inside the oven.

I don't like being reprimanded when I made mistakes especially when they are said in a manner that makes the other person feel superior than you. I can take mistakes and learn to correct them. I just don't like when my mistakes are said to me consecutively. I don't like being welcomed and addressed with mistakes.

5. It is not really a mess but still a careless thing. I got a free toastermaster snackster from craigslist. Interestingly, the lady is a graduate of MIT and has a PhD from University of Oxford and works for NIH.

I took it home and showed the toastermaster to CJ. As I was arranging some stuff in my room while talking to my brother. I picked up the comforter on the stool. As I was pulling it, the toastermaker came with it and fell. The top part of the toastermaker got broken. I glued the broken parts. It is close to how it is when I got it. I tried the thing after I fixed it and it did warm up. I was very careless. I felt really stupid. I was thinking that I never outgrew the careless child in me. I really have the tendency to be hard on myself whenever I make a mistake. I believe this has a link to my father scolding me whenever I am careless and broke some stuff.

After I fixed the toastmaster.

The toastermaster was for CJ. He still liked it anyways and said that he would still use it. The things that just bothered me was how I could have been careless about it. I am having the what ifs. I could have prevented that from happening but I disregarded the signs.

I got the toastmaster free but still with the damaged that I gave it. I really felt bad because with me damaging it, the value diminished.

Think before you act. Always be careful. Always think of what will be an outcome when you do something. Before you put something on a high place, think if it will fall.

If I get a stable income, I will buy a new one. I will reward myself.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Changes and/or Adjustments

It has been a while since I was able to write again. A lot of things happen, from quitting my job as a caregiver to becoming a part time server.

December 2010

- I quit my job as a caregiver.
-Spent Christmas with Cj's family.
-Moved to Tita Lyn's and Eclipson's house and Spent a three party overload New Year's day.

January 2010

-Applied to a lot.
-Got interviewed some. Mostly got declined.
-Got my car a parking violation
-Kuya Ben took the plates in my car.
-Drifted ways with kuya Ben.
-Got new tags.
-Almost got broke but got saved thanks to CJ.

February 2010
-Got a server job at a restaurant! (One of things on my bucket list crossed.

That is just a summary. I will put them in detail in when I have time. For now, back to playing makeover with Alex, review my training manual for Ledo's Pizza, apply for more jobs.

Next week, CJ will be here! Yehey!