Saturday, December 4, 2010

While teaching Kuya Ben at Barnes and Noble, my mind just went off then it turned on with the ideas of graduate school. Being there, surrounded by all the books, is giving me this unconscious nudge of going back to school. And then, I started looking at the walls. The wall had a painting of Hemingway and some other people I don't know. Then, it dawned on me that there are still a lot of things to know which made me question my plans and encouraged my thoughts of pursuing graduate school.

As we were about to leave, I saw a magazine about 2011's best graduate schools in America. It was $9.95, I couldn't afford it. I was being too cheap thinking that I can just Google it. I took a peek of the magazine. There was Yale, Harvard, Standford, NYU, University of Pennsylvania and more. Most of which are my dream schools. Then, I realized I am in America. I can make things happen. I can enroll to my dream school. I can try and I will, after I move out.

The 20th. I will leave my job and house which I have been 'home' for a year. The 19th. The official day that I quit that job. I started packing and organizing stuff today and I have realized that I have accumulated a lot of stuff this year. Stuff that pertains to material things, memories, and lessons. Regarding material wealth, I have some of which I need to sell. I am starting to worry about how I will move my stuff.

To be honest, I am both overwhelmed and scared about finally moving out/on. Moving on after a year of being out of track. I am not regretting this year nor my job. This job challenge my goals and how I will accomplish them. This year taught me a lot and also gave me a lot.

I am overwhelmed by the fact that 'this is it'. I am finally moving. I going to be independent. My official freedom in the Land of Dreams. Finally, I am declaring independence. This kind of independence is different from the one I experienced from college. Before, I have mom to support me. Now, I only have myself. If the worst comes, I can only help myself. There is no mom to call. I am officially standing on my two feet having a journey in the unknown. I have to conquer my dreams but I also need to survive. Independence is double edged because it can be liberating but also it can be worrisome. The independence that I am looking forward to two weeks from now is giving me some worries. I am worried about not finding job - a source of income. I am still waiting for some interviews. I have my sideline on ebay/amazon/craigslist. But those are not enough. The financial aspect is always an issue with me. Basically, the what if regarding my big move is pessimism about not making 'it'.

But who can say if 'I can make it or not'? I don't have control of everything but I know that I can do something. I will try my very best. I have to believe that I can. I CAN! God help me.

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