Can you finally be mine?

ivan...

at this very moment i will type words that i am not sure if i will soon regret or be thankful for. I admit i am scared. I have questioned myself a million times if i should tell you or not. I wondered would telling you be worth the risk. Would worrying about 'our' future be the safest thing to keep you beside me?

i hate this feeling after we have talked ( the simple chitchat we just had)....the feeling of having a heavy heart where questions and sudden sadness fills my soul.. then, i feel myself shrink into a minute being. 'this' or whatever you call it has always been hard for me.

i love you. even without knowing if you feel the same way. but somehow i am starting to get tired. Not for the reason of thinking how long will i wait and understand but of how hard it is to love you. was there really something i am waiting for? or was i hoping for nothing?..or do i really have to wait? i never cared about waiting because i was always patient..but don't blame me..with all your questionable actions...sometimes my brain have the tendency to formulate such crazy questions and ideas.

i believe that actions are more than enough.. but somehow i need words.. words..of confirmation... of assurance.. of security..

tell me. please. let me know.

then maybe... i could finally rest my case..

*this was written last November 27, 2007 .