Sunday, February 3, 2008


No matter what I do I always end up wanting you..going back

“If a person doesn’t love you anymore,there is NO MORE REASON for you to stay. The only way to STOP HURTING is to STOP WANTING. And the only way to stop wanting is to START ACCEPTING that the person is probably NOT THE SAME person you used to know. Then and only then can you move on to finding the happiness that becomes truly rewarding when shared with the person who LOVES you the SAME or probably EVEN MORE.”

Maybe I still thought you were the same guy I knew two years ago. But I think you aren’t now. One year brought so many changes. One day could destroy all possibilities. One moment was all it took for you to walk away (somehow). Honestly I feel so numb now. If you ask me, I don’t know the difference of pain and happiness anymore. Somehow you taught me how to feel both. How to experience both. But now, I want happiness but at the same time I can’t have it. I have been pushing myself to you but I forgot the sign to you heart was PULL. I don’t really know anymore. I want to give up but somewhere I believe that there is more to these pain that I am feeling. Patience is a virtue as I firmly believe.

I hate it when you text me as if you were just having a group message. So I decline to reply the other night. I was always the type of person who customizes everything from text to personal notes and you weren’t. Also, I was to have an exam the other day but majority of the reason was it was like any other text. In the back of my mind, have you received the letter I’ve mailed to you.

Last night, Mom and I ate in Chowking for some halo-halo and siopao. Whenever I miss you or remember you, I always text. You replied – two times to be exact. And tadah you’re gone. I even asked if I was being nosy but you didn’t reply. So I diverted my attention to other people – guys to be exact. I had three boys who called and texted me last night. I don’t’ flirt I am just accommodating. Andrei called me up asking to be my date on valentines. Erwin was asking me if he was the one I asked ‘can you finally be mine?’. Gerald was the crazy one, I was asking him to be my ‘chix’. Somehow, after all the texting I had with them… you were the one I long for.. you were the one I want.,. you were still the same I man I wanted to talk to after the weekend.. you were the one I want to burn the phones lines with on a Saturday night.. you.. like we always did one year go…

What the hell happened? What? I want to know.. you never talk.. you never tell me.. never.. you were always the mysterious/ james dean type who want to make other people crazy reading your mind.

Ivan, I’m tired. And I do not know anymore what keeps me going on. Is it because that I can’t have you that the more I want you. Tell me. Right now, I am just hanging on to the memories we had together.. the happy times … but somehow I think you don’t want those memories anymore.. you’ve grown up while I am here stuck in a pit reminiscing the three years that had gone by. Blame me, but the memories are all I have of you. We are not together anymore. I don’t see you that often anymore or probably not anymore. We don’t get to talk. Text? For the casual reasons only. I’m in complete awe. I don’t know. I need to stop. I need to realize and accept that You are not the ivan I used to know three years ago. After all the pain I have given myself for the sake of you, I still wonder why. WHY do I still want you? Why? Somehow, I thought because you were the person I had the best conversations with. The person I feel inferior to (not like with other men that I feel so superior). The person I admire. I person I still have a crush on. The person who still makes me happy for the smallest reasons. The person I am in love with… until now.

“But I am sorry I have to move on”. I always find myself saying this. But does anyone really move on. Or they just go on. What is the difference. At this moment, the pain starts to sink in. Maybe I still know the difference. Pain is when I am alone and I realized that you can’t be mine. And happiness is when you give me a few seconds of you time.

STOP. THINK. Even though I badly want things to end or things to be better; I can’t. I want too. But I don’t have the power.

One last fling. One last boyfriend before I leave. I want to have someone. I want to have a real relationship where I am loved and the relationship is two-sided. I guess it is really true that the person, who loves the most, is the person who needs its most. And at the moment, I just want to be loved… hopefully by you.. but not anymore.. I can’t say goodbye.. but i can say thank you.. thank you for all the emotions you’ve made me feel.. and for making me love someone unconditionally.. wish me luck to find the person who really deserves me.. someday..i tell you..someday.. THE ONE would cross my path..and love me endlessly.. but for now, I must stop wallowing and feeling depressed ..I must be glamorous..pretty.. attractive..who knows when I’ll meet him? And if that moment comes I want him to see and meet me at my best!

*STOP. THINK. Is the title of a song of aaliyah parcs. I though of this title because at this moment I should stop and think (reassess).

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