Friday, October 5, 2012

My brother unfriended me on Facebook

My brother and I have a ten yer gap. My parents invested in my brother's education too much because they were sort of expecting that in the future my brother will send me to school.Culturally for us that was how it works. But that didn't happen. My brother studied Electronics Communications Engineering in De La Salle University. They've spent everything on him. My mother estimated they've spend around $75k on his education.  My brother had some personal issues and didn't graduate college. He blamed my father for pressuring him to become an engineer. He also said that living in my grandparent's house wasn't a mentally stimulating environment when he was in college. If he only finished his thesis, he could have graduated and got his license. He would have been a successful engineer and made great money.  My brother is so insecure with him not finishing his college degree. 

I wanted to go to his university but we couldn't afford it anymore. The great thing was I passed the University of the Philippines Admissions Test.I took the oppurtunity and decided to study in University of the Philippines because it was the smartest thing to do. I took up Business Economics. It was a state university so the tuition fee is cheap. My whole college tuition was only around $1K.  I chose to finish college because I have learned from what happened to my brother. Education is something no one can steal from you. My college degree was the greatest gift my mother gave me. She worked hard for me to be able to graduate.   

With no college degree,  my brother pursued photography but wasn't lucky. He didn't have a permanent job and did freelance but wasn't a lot of money. We still supported him with what he wanted. Photography wasn't a cheap hobby so he didn't always get what he wanted.  My parents needed to think of me too because I was in college. 

 My brother and I had our own share of fights and most of them started with him being aggressive. We struggled getting along. When I was 6 I believe, we had a fight about the TV remote, he wanted to have it so he became physical with me. My mother got really mad because I got bruised. The fighting and bickering existed throughout the years. But it got worse four years ago when my mother got sick . His anger became worse and really seemed mad at the world. He likes to shout whenever he wanted to get something done. He even one time almost got physical with my father. He was just full of anger. Most of his anger, I can't really understand. 

When my mother was really sick and my father had a bypass surgery,  I became the breadwinner. Being the youngest, I expected to be taken care of but instead I became the grown up. I was supporting everyone. I was 21 then.

Recently, we fought over the phone. I was trying to help him out by sending him money and giving him some sort form of income. He didn't utilize it and blamed me that that wasn't his 'thing'. Aside from that, I do support his hobby and pays his website bills. We got into an argument and just started crying. He blamed me for the misfortunes in his life. He made my college degree an issue. I chose to finish college, he didn't. My brother and I have both been through a lot. My life in the United States wasn't easy. His life in the Philippines was hard especially when my mother died on him.

 He deactivated his Facebook for a while. And then the other day, as I was browsing to look for him, I was surprised that we are not friends anymore. My brother had just unfriended me on Facebook. He also disconnected the phone lines. Sometimes, I wonder if I drive people away. Am I destined to not have a my biological family as my family? Is being alone something natural to me?  I am grateful that I can still communicate with my father through email but I still feel sad that he is not with me.  I really want to bring him back here in the United States to take care of him. 

Being in two different countries, the agony is worse. Every day I worry about him and my father. My late mother wouldn't want us to be like this. But even my mother couldn't tame my brother. He is my brother but I have given my own share of being submissive to him and I believe it his turn. But I don’t know if he would reach out to me, he isn't that type. Despite it all, he is still my brother  and I hope we can resolve it. With what just happened, I am just scared that I might lose him. 

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