Monday, December 16, 2013

F*ck this!

I always thought that 24 hours is not enough for me to finish all that I need to do. Go to the gym, study, clean the apartment, cook dinner and post online. But right now, as I sit and stare at my computer, I realized I have more than enough time. I have just been consumed of "stuff" that I forgot myself. I forgot what it means to be fine. I just want to get stuff done that I forgot what it is to be me. It is during this time of silence that I realize the feeling of emptiness that I have. It reminds me the feeling of not having a mother to cry on. It reminds me that I am no longer a child but an adult stuck in a world of the unknown. I cried today and I am trying to figure out why. I have gained 65 pounds in the last two years. I have developed some acne and my eye bags become darker. I might have become more mature but I have become more sad that I was 3 years ago. Usually, I know what to do or I try to know what to do. At this moment, all I can do is procastinate and hope that everything will work out fine. Take each day as it comes. F*ck this! I need to be happy. To my brother, work your ass off. You don't talk to me like I owe my life to you. You just don't message me and tell me to send you money when you get a monthly stipend from our grandparent's fund. To my dad, where did my hero go? How did you become this stranger that lives in my own home? I hope for once you become my Father and make me feel that I am your daughter. And please stop trying those imports/exports that won't work, they just make me mad because it reminds me of how your dreams never helped us save Mama. Amen.

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