Wednesday, June 12, 2013

When depression kicks in

 When I moved to the United States, I was full of promise and plans. I wanted to be a lot of things. I wanted to conquer the world. But to my reality, this isn't easy as a walk in the park. The American Dream is not a walk in the park. I had to literally work my way to have that dream.

Recently, I have been battling with an inner demon questioning me, agonizing and torturing me of who I want to be.

I have always been the person who wants to help and will help. But I am starting to think that I actually need help.

I am 24 but I feel like I am in my forties. I support my Father, my Brother and recently my boyfriend. CJ lost his job last month. I am trying to make my salary work for three people here in the United States. Yes, he just got a job and will start next week but his salary is not even close to mine. With that, I have to keep my 2nd job just so we can have extra money to pay our Credit Card debt and extra money for other issues such as car or medical concerns.

Money is a big thing for me especially because I don't have anyone to lean to here. I always believe it has been me. 

I came here with $13 dollars and now I have an apartment and my own car all because I worked my but off. At one point I had 3 or sometimes 4 jobs because I wasn't responsible of myself but I had other people relying on me. 

If other people had medals for their achievements, I had milestones. I wouldn't forget the feeling of a having a new used car, moving into an apartment, getting promoted at work. The feeling of accomplishing these makes me feel that I have a purpose in this world.

But is it not always joy. There are days that I am just tired and lost. I have to push myself to wake up and finish the day because I need the money to live by the day. I always remind myself that I have to work because no one else will help me. I cannot afford to reach hard bottom.

This thinking also makes me anti social of some sorts. In all my three years in the US, most people who befriended me befriended me because they needed something. They needed a ride, a job, to sell me something, cosign on an apartment, join an activist group. In my life, those are the times that I felt most used. 

The Hi and Hellos and How are yous just becomes superficial to me because I know after those statement there is something that will be asked from me. Also, I never really felt the concern. It seems like those statements are just for the sake of conversation. They always felt dry. But when I do ask that to a person, I mean it. It just seems unfair that the intent is never always mutual and fair.

So what is fair? I do believe in Karma. I believe that when you do good things, the good things go back to you. But up to what point do I have to give myself? 

I remember when I was helping a family. I was bothered everyday because they needed something. I gave them a hand but they want the arm better yet they want my whole body. I want to help but how do you a help a person/family who just wants to suck the life out of you.

I never thought I would be as lonely as I am in the United States. At least in the Philippines, I had somewhere to run, I had someone to seek refuge to -Mama. In here, I just have myself. I might have my boyfriend but he would never understand me fully. 

I believe I coped up with all my problems by just dealing with it and getting over it. I just go by the day. I enjoy when my life is so fast because I don't remember that I actually have problems to deal with. But I dread the times, when the world seems slow and quiet because that is when the little demon of depression kicks in and reminds me of how alone and miserable I am.

I don't know how to combat it. All I know is that he is telling the truth. I have succumb to a world that just takes away the life in. That I have settled to this so called land of dreams. That I have accepted comfort zones instead of new horizons. That I feared success because I am scared to actually fail.

I have faced that I should find the flaws rather than see the light. I have become this robot rather than the free person that I should have been. I am now a person that I don't know.

I have changed. 

I pray. I try. I try to talk to him and maybe he will understand. But I how I do I relay what bothers me when I myself is not sure. Maybe it is me. Maybe I was born with. Maybe. Maybe.

I hope I can find the answers soon because really I don't know where to get from here.

I miss myself. The person who really belongs to this body. The soul that enriches my being. The girl that wants to change the world and conquer her dreams. I miss the passion that keeps me going. I miss the love. I miss the belief that the world is still good.

So today, I still in front of my computer trying to do something to make the day go by with my part time job. I pray that somehow the times goes faster so I can home and sleep and escape the real world. The real world is awesome but for now I seek refuge in a dream called sleep. 

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