Friday, November 16, 2012

I have struggled with boyfriend-girlfriend relationships ever since. I have had internet boyfriends when I was young because I believe my physical appearance doesn't do justice to who I am. When I have blossomed to a so called acceptable beautiful woman, I become more date-able. I have fallen in love with a guy that so much promise and passion but wasn't sure if he was in love with me. If our relationship had a defining point, maybe our story could have been a perfect love story but it wasn't and it wouldn't. I dated guys who I can boss around and have non committing relationships. When I moved to the United States, I tried dating sites because I thought it was to hard to date around and I was so busy. I got more conscious about my body and and I became a total hottie. When I dated Cj, I thought I have settled all relationship baggages but sometimes I get a wake-up call that maybe I still have some issues that I need to deal with.

Last night, I got mad at him for not helping figure out how to use a device. At first, it was just that. But as I was laying on the couch, I just became silent. I couldn't talk. I didn't know what to say. Cj was a great boyfriend. He is the type of boyfriend that you want to take home to your family. He is very handsome, tall and intelligent. He is really sweet. He listens. He is nice man and maybe in the future an excellent family man. But where is the but. Is there even a but? I try not to compare relationships because all my relationships have different intensity. I believe what I have now with Cj is the one with the most or the best.

I have also struggled with the male model in my family - grandfathers, uncles, brother and father. I know Cj is different from them. And he is. But I am worried that I worry if he is the one for me. I hope I am not over thinking everything.

He is the first guy I really dated when I was in the US. And in the back of my mind, I have always wondered if there is still something or something out there for me.

When I met him, I knew he wanted to be someone. But things change, we change. He is in a career now that is promising but I don't see him having passion for it. I am looking for that passion in him but I couldn't see it.

Sometimes, I just want a break. A test to see how it is if I wasn't with him. But is that right? Every time there is something wrong, he is there to ask and want to fix it. He is always there ready to talk. And I am not always ready to talk. Sometime I think if I am the guy in the relationship. I hope I am not just being suffocated.

I want a man with dreams and are passionate of them at the same times can find security and stability for him and I. Maybe that is what I am waiting to see. Maybe it is there but I just haven't seen yet. Are there suppose to be signs? I don't think so.

How can I justify a feeling of concern when the facts are there saying that he is a keeper? At the end of the day, I can think of leaving him but there is no justification of doing so and I believe it isn't necessary. I hope the answers to my questions. I hope that is uneasiness can just just a  pms thing. If not, then it might be too late for me.

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